Alliedassault - funny irc chats

long read but worth it.

[quote:31891]
* ion has joined #sp
<ion> today's my birthday
<deMoN> yo happy bday man ;)
<ion> thanks, my dad brought me a new case home from his work today
<ion> ok, it's not a new case, it's my old one...i didnt like the gray metal frame so i wanted to change the color
<plague> What color?
<ion> gold. i was going to spray paint it, but it would have ended up melting. so my dad said he'd take it to work
<ion> he works at this metal coating place
<ion> just brought it home today. looks awesome
<plague> So you have a gold plated tower?
<ion> no it's not gold...something else...let me go ask
<ion> copper. it's copper
<plague> Copper plated?? Is it running right now?
<ion> no dude...on my other pc..i just finished hooking up the mobo and stuff, i'm about to start it
<ion> stand back
<plague> Before you turn it on...I think you should know something...
* ion has quit IRC (No Route to Host)
<plague> Copper is a conductor of electricity.
<deMoN> think we should have told him?
<zeff> nah, it's funnier this way.
<plague> of course...<>
Comment: the fuse box in his house was fried. knocked the power out.
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#29482 (453/639)

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)
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#30454 (374/464)

(Sprite): boiled egg?
(Sprite): im a spack cook
(LoneGun): sprite just do in microwave for like 2 mins
(Sprite): on it's own lonegun ?
(LoneGun): aye sprite
(Ched): 2 mins
(Ched): for 650 watt microwave
(Sprite): so a egg, in a bowl, on it's own for 2 mins in a microwave ?
(Sprite): n1 im off to cook
(Sprite): k guys
(Sprite): u guys are cocks
(Sprite): the egg just blow up
Comment: Cooking in #digwar (quakenet) with the unsuspecting sprite. His cullinary1skills are now renowned as a result.
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#1578 (343/527)

<calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator
<ecoli> ew.
<ecoli> wait, you "caught" him?
<ecoli> like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?
<Aero> he doesnt answer
*** Quits: calin (No route to host)
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#29166 (333/517)

<BoZmAn20> Goddamnit, my ex girlfriend has such horrible taste in men
<BoZmAn20> wait
<BoZmAn20> Shit.
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#369 (310/534)

<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P
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#4281 (305/553)

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D\-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet
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#4753 (302/498)

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
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#5300 (302/556)

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.
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#4680 (299/485)

<Raize> can you guys see what I type?
<vecna> no, raize
<Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?
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#3936 (281/469)

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that
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#15641 (281/531)

<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!
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#29168 (280/460)

<Arai> I use my right hand for everything except *one* thing.
<Arai> Not wanking.
<Arai> I wipe my ass with my left hand.
<Vhabion> I use toillet paper
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#29230 (276/512)

<idsif> you're smarter than the average american
<ascian> of course. i'm canadian.
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#5273 (262/532)

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.
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#4848 (257/523)

<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK
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#5301 (250/456)

<blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
<FlipTopBx> is it modded?
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#29167 (238/470)

<Digga> they're all shit in my....WHAT THE FUCK?
<Digga> it sounded like someone just tried to kick the door in
<Digga> brb
<Digga> i open the door
<Digga> someone's lying there
<Jiggaboy> wtf
<Digga> they came to deliver a pizza leaflet
<Digga> tripped up the step
<Digga> smashed into the door
<Digga> and fell over
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#6824 (237/453)

<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"
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#5523 (237/473)

<Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file
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#6460 (235/495)

<studdud> what the fuck is wtf
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#29152 (234/456)

<luqin> senior year
<luqin> my roomate is on a job interview for sam adams
<luqin> he's on a ridealong with a sales guy
<luqin> they start talking about music
<luqin> sales guy goes
<luqin> "gwen stefani is pretty hot"
<luqin> my roomate is trying to be professional
<luqin> says "yeah she's pretty attractive"
<MadHack-> heh
<luqin> 30 seconds of silence
<luqin> sales guy goes
<luqin> "I'd eat her ass"
<dave__> HAHAHAHAHA
<MadHack-> ahahahahaha
<erobbins> HAHAHAHAHA
<russur> HAHAHAHAHA
<dave__> fuck i just spit out my lemonade
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#2605 (234/482)

* dregan kicks Yamucha in the nuts
* dregan stamps on Yamucha's neck
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Yamucha
<dregan> Oh shit.
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#12431 (226/460)

<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice
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#3935 (209/463)

*** Signoff: Morpheus (Connection reset by peer)
*** Morpheus (vanford@host-209-214-188-107.clt.bellsouth.net) has joined channel #relax
<Morpheus> argh.. that wasn't my speaker cable
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#5863 (208/428)

<mp> i am convinced i am a woman
<Oreoboros> mp: Why's that?
<mp> cuz i went to bed bath and beyond for a shower curtain and left with $700 worth of shit
<mp> and i had to go back because i realized after i checked out that i forgot to buy a fucking shower curtain
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#30020 (169/285)

**You know you're in a Racist channel when you see this**
(19:22:54)<Jaayy> I like my coffee the way I like my niggers.
(19:22:59)<Naive-EOC> Dead?
(19:23:01)<Derid-EOC> In the Field?
(19:23:02)<Ball-licker> In jail?
(19:23:06)<Humur> Killing each other?
(19:23:08)<Naive-EOC> Stealing?
(19:23:09)<Sailym> Covered in blood?
(19:23:11)<Humur> 5$ a piece?
(19:23:13)<Derid-EOC> Stupid?
(19:23:20)<Jaayy> ...
(19:23:31)<Jaayy> BLACK YOU FUCKING RACIST BASTARDS! I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK!
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#24 (157/301)

<ckx> women ask for it
<ckx> they act all old and mature
<ckx> and then you stick your cock up their ass
<ckx> and they get all bitchy
<ckx> "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"
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#30033 (138/204)

<Backslash> So a friend of mind comes over to my house and stays the night
<Backslash> Now there is a computer and t.v. in my room so naturally she spent most of the day in there and since I only have once chair in it she sat on my bed
<Backslash> Well at like 4am she fell asleep on it while I was on the computer and I didn’t have the heart to wake her up so I slept on the couch downstairs
<Backslash> Like a month later I’m over at her house with a bunch of her friends and since there was no where to sleep I slept on the couch again
<Backslash> The next morning during breakfast one of her friends says you look tired
<Backslash> and I was like yeah I didn’t sleep great I’m kinda used to my bed
<Backslash> then my friend goes yeah your bed is awesome!
<Backslash> I froze and glanced over at her parents who gave me the most evil look I have ever seen…
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#33 (133/253)

[17:05] *** D1 sets mode: +o C-Rock
<D1> oh wait, I was trying to kick you.
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#16 (132/230)

<wecell> new apples look fairly interesting, but i'd hate to buy into something that is going to CRASH all the time.
<DigDug> wecell : What are you using right now?
<wecell> i've always used windows machines.
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#30108 (127/195)

<@manero> this song sounds like a fucking fire alarm
<@manero> BEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
<@manero> oh shit
<@manero> IT IS THE FIRE ALARM
<@manero> hahah fuck me bbrk
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#29886 (124/174)

<Garf> Did you know, Alt+Z makes your text go backwards in most IRC clients?
<Garf> .ereh ti did I ?eeS
* Parts: Bamral (B1@xiph-IALHNG.ne.client2.attbi.com)
* Parts: Benjamin_L (~BenjaminL@xiph-IEIAFM.dip.t-dialin.net)
* Parts: menno (menno@cal16a041.student.utwente.nl)
* Parts: TheLink (TheLink@p213.54.189.36.tisdip.tiscali.de)
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#98 (114/192)

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers
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#291 (112/190)

<ckx> i've got nothing against homos
<ckx> as long as they don't fuck me or touch me
<ckx> they're alright
<gb> what if they cum on you
<ckx> that's a grey area
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#6441 (112/236)

<Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado
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#29696 (110/174)

riddledscars: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
riddledscars: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
riddledscars: and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
riddledscars: and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
riddledscars: and I actually laughed out loud
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#18 (104/216)

<TOZTWO> I was kinda shy, and still am, so right after sex, I started getting dressed before she could turn on the lights......
<TOZTWO> Well, she turns the light on, and I have my clothes on already, and she can't find her undies.......
<TOZTWO> But she finds my undies next to the bed.
<TOZTWO> Guess whose undies I'm wearing?
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#29707 (100/158)

<danamania> http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/finalmeals.htm is a list of peoples last meal requests in texas
<danamania> before execution.
<danamania> lots of cheeseburgers there
<Hamster> oh thats really sad
<Hamster> it looks like criminals drink coke. pepsi marketing needs to get hold of this
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#38 (100/186)

<Relevant> get oral_sex_training_video.mpg
<Relevant> Oops wrong window.
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#29996 (95/185)

<@Rad_the_Hedgehog> !seen Jesus
<@DPI> Jesus is on the channel right now (as Ron) !
<+Ron> Oh my dad, I've been discovered.
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#31 (94/230)

<EM[mMF]> man
<EM[mMF]> unix manuals would be so much cooler
<EM[mMF]> if they had porn in them
<EM[mMF]> like "Basics of the Bash Shell"
<EM[mMF]> <LESBIAN PORN>
<EM[mMF]> i'd read that shit
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#9497 (91/129)

@eliaz`medal): i have broken two of my erm
(@eliaz`medal): foot things
(@eliaz`medal): extensions
(@eliaz`medal): those little thigns on ur feet (@eliaz`medal): 5 on each :: (@eliaz`medal): :/
(@eliaz`medal): dunno name
(@Ched): toes?
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#29640 (91/169)

<liquex> w00t
* liquex is the happiest man alive
<Zeke[h0m3w3rk]> w00t
<Gnimsh> hey liqqy
<Zeke[h0m3w3rk]> liqqy scored
<liquex> dude
<liquex> how did you know
<Zeke[h0m3w3rk]> lol
<liquex> were you watching my webcam?
<Zeke[h0m3w3rk]> lmao
<Gnimsh> lmao
<liquex> seriously i wanna know how you knew
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#29631 (90/156)

(joe) what do or did you do wedsday dil?
(@Dilandou) i dressed in drag and hung around in bars.
(@Dilandou) why?
? Joins: joe-y (joe@dialup-171.75.103.181.Dial1.Cincinnati1.Level3.net)
(joe-y) stupid dialup ...what was ur answer?
(@Dilandou) i did some php coding. why?
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#55 (80/158)

<Sonique> you know you've just experienced an odd moment at 3:30am when you're completely naked making an away msg for aim and your dad (clothed only in breifs) strolls by, waves, and says, "i thought i smelled something. oh well, night!", and walks off
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#23 (80/198)

<Guilty> Oh god I just changed my pw and instantly forgot it
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#29818 (71/155)

<Optima|Kraft> http://edition.cnn.com/2003/TECH/ptech/ ... index.html
<Parak> great
<Parak> soon we're all going to be mutants
<Optima|Kraft> tru
<Matrim> However, cognitive functions such as memory and response times were boosted by both 3G signals and the current signals, the study found. It said people became more alert when they were exposed to both.
<Matrim> fuckin' sweet
<Matrim> i guess this explains japan
<Parak> However, reproductive functions such as erection and ejaculation times were boosted by both hentai and the anime signals, the study found. It said people became more horny when they were exposed to both.
<Parak> i guess this explains japan
<Parak> :/
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#29634 (69/141)

[Asking for pictures.]
<Yosh^Yosh> you have to gain my trust for that :P
<Factotum> Fair enough, Yosh.
<Yosh^Yosh> ah, almost XD
<Yosh^Yosh> but i don't like the thought of you underssing me with your eyes :P
<CraiDt> How do we gain your trust Yoshiewoshieboshie
<CraiDt> And we don't do that with our eyes, we have photoshop for that
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#32 (67/197)

<Goemon> you know how they have the /whois command, they should have a /whowas command to see who people were after they quit.
<Spidey> they do, goemon
<Goemon> damn.
<Goemon> my mom must have dropped
<Goemon> me
[/quote:31891]