Alliedassault - Lifes Disappointments

1. Lap dances With a face and body like yours, do you really need to pay top dollar for sexual frustration?
2. Yasser Arafat We’re ever so disappointed that the Palestinian peace hater died of natural causes instead of being eaten by rabid dogs.
3. Nude photos of celebrities When sunbathing celebs meet long lens–armed paparazzi, the results are seldom anything but blurry, pale, flabby ass shots—with the exception of Colin Farrell. You can bounce quarters off that thang. Grrrowl!
4. Britney’s choice of sperm donor
5. Mardi Gras Show us your tits! Thanks. Um, OK, can everyone get the hell out of our face now? We’re starting to freak out.
6. The Best Damn Sports Show Period Tom Arnold? Best? Clearly there’s been some kind of mistake.
7. Friendster If we wanted to be reminded that we had no friends, we’d check our answering machine.
8. Sobriety It didn’t work for us in kindergarten. Why try it now?
9. Paying bills on time
10. Gwen Stefani’s Love. Angel. Music. Baby. Her solo outing kinda Blew. Monkey. Schlong. Hard-core. And listening to it didn’t get us any closer to making sweet, sweet love to her like the guy in the CD store promised. Thanks for nothing, pal!
12. The new Star Wars Special Edition DVD Four more never-seen, redigitized seconds of Jabba jabba’ing out. Take our money—please!
13. Meeting porn stars The chance of spontaneous sex is next to nil, and all shaking hands will do is keep you up at night, wondering if you can catch gonorrhea from palm-to-palm contact.
14. Cadbury Creme Eggs They’re available for only one month of the year, giving us enough time to forget how shitty they taste.
15. Becoming a billionaire The taxes are a bitch. Trust us.
16. Every other comic book movie Spider-Man (good!), Hulk (bad!), X-Men 2 (good!), Daredevil (Bennifer!).
17. Vacation pictures Unless you want to see ours. Seriously, they’re pretty cool.
18. New tracks on greatest-hits albums Go ahead, name just two. Or even one.
19. Laser-light shows Pink Floyd with an extra dash of boring. Wow, trippy!
20. Rereading the classics Where is the reward we’ve been hearing so much about? What do you get for plodding through the same thick-ass book you pretended to plod through in high school? Nothing. At the very least, aren’t we entitled to a free hand job from the ghost of Mark Twain?
21. 3-D movies It looks like it’s coming right at you! We’re referring, of course, to the vomit spewing from the mouth of the kid sitting two rows away.
22. Tours of aircraft carriers “Here’s the gun. No, it’s not loaded. Here’s where they sleep. Tight fit, huh? Have a nice day, and be sure to visit our gift shop.”
23. Eighteenth birthdays Congratulations, you can now be tried as an adult!
24. Job promotions You get all excited that, at last, you finally get to run things your way, then a day later you’re doing the exact same shit, with a little more shit on the side—all for a whopping $20 extra in your paycheck. 25. Giving to charities When did they ever give anything to us?
27. Caviar Buy a tiny $250 tin of radioactive sturgeon eggs from the most polluted river in Russia? Where do we sign up?
28. Yoga Bend over, turn upside down, grab your ankles and open your chakras: It's like Kama Sutra without all the orgasming.
29. Coin-operated telescopes For just 25 cents, you too can have a view of the Ohio River Valley that standing four feet closer to the guardrail would have provided for free. Hooray!
30. The alien in Signs After two painful hours of Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix whispering in a perturbed manner, they kill the bad guy with a glass of water.
31. The function keys at the top of the keyboard F1 sounds promising. F10 sounds like a cool jet. But what do these keys actually do?
32. Supermarket grand reopenings Free balloons and pot roast for just $3.29 a pound? Promised land, thy name is Pathmark!
33.Ribbed condoms Can’t please your woman? Well, tiny dots of rubber probably can’t, either.
34. Cocaine If we wanted to spend hundreds of dollars to feel nervous, we’d go to Starbucks.
35. Retro-looking modern cars We can’t wait until they design a rocket like a minivan in 2040.
36. Europe Thanks for the support, guys. Also? Thanks for World War II and Culture Club.
37. The 12 hours added to The Lord of the Rings DVD We busted our Hobbit nut at about hour seven.
38. Penthouse hotel rooms A Jacuzzi in the living room! Sweet! Too bad checkout is at 11 A.M.
39. Christmas afternoon The presents are opened, the food is eaten, so…who wants to drink a six-pack and mull over how we fucked up the year?
40. Alien vs. Predator “Whoever wins…we lose.” Was a truer movie tag line ever written?
41. The last two seasons of The Sopranos Remember when things actually used to happen on this show? Neither do we.
42. Savings accounts Want to earn an extra $7 a year? You can! Prudently placing your funds in a low-risk investment will yield enough money for you to buy that cheeseburger you’ve been meaning to try.
43. On the Road by Jack Kerouac First-time readers and those revisiting this Beat classic will agree: Holy shit—this book sucks.
44. Learning algebra We use it all the time…don’t you?
45. Brad and Jennifer’s breakup If these two sexy kids can’t make it work, what hope is there for the sexy rest of us?
46. Parades Need we say more?
47. Aphrodisiacs Drink it, rub it or inject it. The only thing an aphrodisiac will do is waste your money and, if you’re lucky, give you a chance to see what it feels like to have a million pins marching on your member.
48. The Guns N’ Roses reunion The only guy left is Axl, and he’s fat, drunk and tone-deaf. We already covered that with Tom Arnold.
49. Negative test results After spending 12 hours in the doctor’s office, you kind of want him to find something. The worst? Learning that the excruciating pain in your chest is just gas.
50. Multiblade razors Let’s say that the first blade cuts a whisker. We’ll suspend our disbelief and agree that the second blade trims it even shorter. But the last two blades of a four-blade razor are there just for show and to rip the skin off your face.
51. The Curse of the Bambino It lasted only 86 years.
52. In-flight meals The meals are never good, but you tend to forget that the moment a uniformed woman hands you a steaming tray of food at 36,000 feet. Then you eat it and remind yourself to write this down for your stand-up routine.
53. Jack Black Shallow Hal? Envy? What the hell happened, dude?
54. Amsterdam Weed and prostitutes? You can’t find that anywhere…except every other city in the world.
55. Spike TV A network for guys? Great! A network for guys that has a prime-time lineup of wrestling, Star Trek and then more wrestling? Cable company, how do we sign up for Oxygen?
56. Olsen twins coming of age Yay! They’re legal! Boo! They’re hitting the ugly wall faster than the cast of The Facts of Life!
57. The U.S. Olympic basketball team Way to go, guys! You are the third-best team in the entire world! Oh, this? It’s just the entire nation, waiting to congratulate you with rocks.
58. Anne-Sophie Mutter’s too-short pause at the stillest moment in the second movement of her recording of Beethoven’s violin concerto More like Anne-Sucky Mutter, right? Right.
59. SkyMall catalog Where else are you going to find a gargoyle drainpipe statue?
60. Bachelor parties Truth is, 95 percent of bachelor parties end when someone does something so awkwardly embarrassing that you can never look him in the eye again. Unless, of course, that someone was you.
61. Getting an early jump on the day It gives you a couple of extra hours to regret wasting.
62. Finding out your coupon is expired Shit. That’s 50 cents more you’ve gotta shell out for a goddamn box of Pop-Tarts. Shit!
63. McDonald’s Chicken Selects You know what? In our tongue’s humble opinion, these things are nothing more than bent Chicken McNuggets.
64. iPod mini It’s an iPod that has less memory than the full-size model. Finally, technology dictates that we cannot listen to the Spin Doctors’ entire oeuvre.
65. The Simpsons complete first and second seasons on DVD It’s the show you love, only duller. 66. Post-Hiroki Maxim Girls* Sports* Beer* Gadgets* Yawn!
67. Laguna Beach Can anyone tell us what the hell this show is about? We watched three minutes of it and didn’t see Coral from the The Real World, so we gave up and went back to Blue Collar TV. Yee-haw!
68. New Year’s Eve Nothing is ever different at 12:01 A.M., except your wallet is now devoid of the $100 you spent just to get into a bar packed with people you don’t know or like.
69. Bar fights We’d love to see somebody “take it outside” for real, just once.
70. The 2004 presidential campaign The same guy’s still in charge, right?