Joke thread
 

seeing as there is so much negativity around here, why not add some humor with a joke thread? (this thread will prob. get flamed as well)

heres one to kick it off

whats brown and green and eats nuts?


ghonnerea


post away.................

What game is really bad?

Battlefield 1942

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.



And heres an oldier but a goodie....


A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

Whast good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust!

Theres 3 midgets talking about being the smallest

Midget 1: "I'm gonna be in the world record book for the smallest hands"

Midget 2: "I'm gonna be in the world record book for the smallest ass!"

Midget 3: "I'm gonna be in the world record book for the smallest penis"

The book comes out....

Midget 1: "YES! I have the smallest hands!"

Midget 2: "I have the smallest ass!"

Midget 3: (insert freinds name) "Who the hell is Miller?"


Another good one

put three freinds names here; we'll use Me,Miller, and Gerard (we're not freinds but thats all I could think of).

Me,Miller and Gerard all get in a car accident. When we get to Heaven we find clocks with our names on it

Miller:"Hey look theres a clock with my name on it!"

Me: "Theres mine!"

God and Jesus come walking down.

Miller: "God, what is with these clocks?"

God: "Well everytime you jerk off, it moves up one minute"

Gerard: "Where is mine?"

Jesus: "We us it in the office as a fan"

HAHA! Srry for pickin on j00 guys!

Pyro, Are you implying Battlefield 1942 is a bad game.

No he's implying he's an idiot that wouldn't know a fun game if it bit him in the ass.

Need Another Seven Astronaughts

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(no pun intended)

Increase Your Word Power
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

A nun, a gerbil, a mosquito, two rabbis, and a talking horse walk into a bar. They all sit down at the bar. The bartender turns around, then says "What is this, some sort of joke?"

================================================== ==

A guy walks into a bar and gets a double shot of whiskey. He drinks it down, then notices a sign at the bar saying "Make $500, see bartender" He brings it to the bartender and asks him how to make the money.

"Well, you gotta do three tasks for me, then the money's yours:

1) "See that guy sitting at the table at the corner? That big 300-lb bastard keeps drinking his ass off, and hasen't paid his tab in months. If you can knock him out in one punch and drag him outback, you're 1/3 done."

2) "In the back alley by the trash, there's this damn bulldog that keeps trying to bite my ass everytime I go back there! From what I can see, the little bastard has a bad tooth, and ever since then hes been mean to everyone. Wrestle the little thing down, and yank that tooth out, and your 2/3 done."

3) "Across the street in the hotel lives a close friend of mine, Sister James. She recently took her final vows into nunnary, and has now become a full-fledged nun. I promised her it wouldn't last long, as I was going to get her laid. I want you to go over there, and give her the best loving you've ever given a women. After that, come back here with the condom, and the moneys yours!"

"That's sounds easy enough. Gimme another double shot, this will be done in no time!" He drinks the shot, heads over to the table, and WHAM! Knocks the guy out with one shot, then drags him out front. He walks back over to the table, and drinks the guys shot.

"Nice shot, now go get that dog." "Gimme another double first!" said the guy. He drinks it down, and starts to walk out of the bar, stumbling a bit from the alachol. The bartender hears the dog barking and growling, then shortly, he hears it whimpering and crying, then nothing at all. The guy comes back in the bar with his clothes ripped a bit and a grin on his face, and says "Gimme another double shot, I'm almost done!"

The bartender pours him one and says: "Go get her man, shes waiting for you!" The guy says "Right! I'll knock that loose tooth right out of that bitch!"

================================================== =

A man was on a plane flying over the pacific, when it crashed into the ocean. All of the crew except him is killed and he is trapped on an island. Lucky for him, there's plenty of food, water, and a nice shelter. He tries for days to contact the outside world for help, but no luck.

After a few weeks, he gets used to living there and decides he hasen't been laid in awhile. "If I don't get some action, I'll go mad! Ill take a woman, hell a man with a wig! Just gimme anything god, please!" A ray of light shoots out of the clouds, and the man sees a sheep sitting on top of a rock. The man decides he's getting some from this sheep. He goes to get beind the sheep, but out of a bush, a dog jumps out trying to bite him. "Dumb dog! I'll wait until dark to go after the sheep again!"

At night, the man searches for the sheep, and finds it sleeping by the beach. He sneaks up quietly, looks around, then goes for the sheep again. But again, a dog jumps out from a small rock, and tries to bite the man again. He runs off fustrated, wondering how the hell he can get to this sheep!

The next day, a plane crashes close to the island, and the man sees someone in the water struggling. He swims out and rescues a women, whom he brings to the beach. It turns out shes 6 foot, with a 36 D chest, and about 120 lbs. "Thank you SO much, you saved my life! I will give you anything you want in return!" "ANYTHING?!" the man exclaims. "ANYthing, she says, winking and smiling at him."

Overfilled with joy, he grabs her by the wrists, takes her down the beach, throws her down to the sand, and lays next to her. She smiles and says "So what do you want?" The man says "SSH! When I grab that sheep over there, you grab the dog that jumps out after me, OK?"

biggrin:

Joe, the first two=good, the last one =bad

A man walks into a bar...










"ouch"

HER DIARY
Saturday night i thought he was acting wierd
We made plans to meet at a bar and have a few drinks.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
he was upset at the fact that I was a little late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasnt flowing so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing.
I asked if it was my fault he was upset but he said nothing and told me not to worry.
On the way home I told him I love him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I cant explain his behavior, i dont know why he didnt say he loved me too.
He just watched TV and seemed absent.

Finally i decieded to go to bed, about 10 mins later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still feel he was distracted and his thoughts were elsewhere.

I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him but he had fallen asleep.

I dont know what to do, Im almost sure his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster!


HIS DIARY
Today the Red Wings lost, but at least i got laid.

What has 9 arms and sucks?





Def Leppard.

biggrin:

That astronaut joke was uncalled for, Bunny. Tasteless and not funny.


Zone

Ok, a blonde walks in a store saying she wants to buy a TV to the "shopguy"..The shopguy says we don't sell anything to blondes...
So....the next day, the blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes back in the shop and says again and asked the shopguy, Can I buy this TV?the bar guy says:For the last time we do not sell anything to blondes...the blonde says:How'd you know I was a blonde? The shopguy says: Because this is a microwave.......
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!

or sorry...when i say bar guy, I meant shop guy...

You must be blonde.

This joke is a lil racist but...come on..its just a joke biggrin:
Ok...Theres this boat, with 4 men..A white guy, a chinese guy, a iraqi guy and a black guy...The boat was sinking so the whote guy says...everyone throw everything unneeded and u have more at home so the boat isnt so heavy!....So...The chinese guy throws some clothes in the water and says aww i have more of this at home...The iraqi guy throws away some pencils and says aww i have more of these at home...The black guy throws away some paper and says aww the have more of these at home..The white guy, picks up the white guy and throws him in the water and says...aww i have more of these at home..........
HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DAM!i meant to say the white guy picks up the black guy and says: aww i have more of these at home...
DAM i wish there was a edit button!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it's time for you to retire to night station,
you weren't made to stand the "dog watch"

Bah haha! Nice! biggrin:

Q: y did the blond fall outta the tree?
A: She was raking leaves. =)

How do you get a 1-armed blond out of a tree?
Wave.

What's one way to kill a dumb blond?
Put spikes on her shoulders.

Another?
Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How did the dumb blond try to kill a fish?
She tried drowning it.

The bird?
She tried throwing it off a cliff.

Why do dumb blonds wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.

A blond & brunette jump off a building all at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond had to stop and ask for directions.

How do you make a dumb blonds eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ears.

Why did the dumb blond get hit by seven cars in one day?
Because she crawled across the street when it said "Don't Walk"

Why did the blond drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

What did the dumb blond say when she looked into a box of Cheerios©?
"Oh look, Donut seeds!"

What did the dumb blond name her pet zebra?
Spot.

[quote="Captain Bunny":88f8f]Need Another Seven Astronaughts[/quote:88f8f]


rofl thats the only funny joke ive seen on here

A man was driving on the Interstate over 100MPH. He gets pulled over by a cop, who asks for his lisence & registration. "I'd give you my lisence, but it expired about 4 years ago" "What for?" the cop said. "Because I went to jail for killing an old woman." "You've killed someone" "Someone? I've killed many people! As a matter of fact, I have a body in the trunk!"

"You have a dead body in the trunk of this car?" The cop said. "Of coarse, where was I sopposed to put her body when I stole her car!" "This car is stolen? Give me the registration, now!" "Well, I would but the glove box is full of guns."

The cop draws his gun, and orders the man to hand him his keys, and place his hands out the window. He complies, and gives the keys to the cop. The cop runs back to the car, and makes a call to his station.

Within fifteen minutes, six more cop cars, a SWAT van, and a helicoper arrive on the scene. The senior officer in charge comes up to the car and says to the driver "Lisence & Registration, son." The man complies, and gives him his lisence, and the registration from the glove compartment, which contains no weapons.

The cop notices that the lisence is valid. "Could you open your trunk for me, sir?" The man gets out of the car, pops the trunk, and shows the cop whats inside, nothing.

"I don't get it, that officer over there said you had weapons on you, a dead body in the trunk, and you stole this car." With a pissed off look, the man says "Oh sure! I bet the asshole said I was going over 100MPH, too!"

This horny bloke is parked out in the country with his girl but she's just not in the mood, she says
"You can't do it without vaseline"He sees a farmhouse "OK..I'll try to get some"
...he starts to walk to the house.

In the house Mum, Dad, son Dave and his wife Mabel have just had a big roast dinner and are arguing about
who should do the washing up. "We've been farmin' all day, we're not washin' up" says Dave.
"Well we've been cooking this feast all day! we're not washing up." says Mabel. Dad says
"Ah, let's make a game of it!...we'll all sit here, and the first one who speaks or does anything...has to do all the washin' up!".
It's agreed upon.

The horny bloke knocks on the screen door, he can see four people sitting at the table, so he goes in. "WTF?"
...he feels Mum, there's a pulse, he gets her on the kitchen floor and screws her...then rolls back and has a cigarette.
He then undresses Mabel and shags her on the table. After making a coffee he remembers "..ok..now, vaseline.."

Dave jumps up "Alright!..ok...I'll do the washing up..."

eek:

LOL