OFFICIAL: Jokes Thread
 

Ok, everyone tells a joke here. I thinl that's pretty straightforward, and none of you (with the possible exception of short hand) will require further explanation.

What's easier to get out of a pickup truck: Bowling balls or babies?

Babies: You can use a pitchfork..


What's worse than a truckfull of dead babies?

One live one eating it's way out.

What's worse than that?

Coming Back for seconds.


What's worse than ten dead babies stapled to a tree?

One dead baby stapled to ten trees.


Whats the difference between apples and babies?

I don't cum on apples before I eat them.


Whats the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.


What do you call three lepers in a hot-tub?

Stew.


Why did the leper get a speeding ticket?

He left his foot on the gas.

3 lepers in a hot-tub?... it would be one, otherwise the punch line is 'stews'... my dad told me that joke almost 20 years ago...

What's red and sits in a corner?

A baby playing with a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

That same baby three weeks later.

Too much "baby". annoy:

[quote="Mr.Buttocks":54626]Too much "baby". annoy:[/quote:54626]

baby jokes suck rolleyes: sleeping:

yea wtf, those blow

Three Blondes around a Christmas Tree....HO HO HO oOo:

/me remembers the ol racist joke thread at vc.net

One i learned just a week ago but you need to do it in person

You ask someone "Would you rather suck a rhinos dick or kiss a bunny on the nose"

Their likely answer will be the bunny, when they say that, pull out both of your pckets (lets hope they are empty, and white) and then say kiss the bunny.

happy:

Baby jokes are so 2003

On Christmas morning a police officer on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The officer says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Father Christmas bring that for you?" The kid says, "Yeah." So the officer says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a rear-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a 20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the officer rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Father Christmas bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the policeman says, "Yes, he certainly did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Father christmas to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

hahahaha

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water; he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that Hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...."Monica, you're free to go!"

bwahahaha...

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.

The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''

LOL g1

A gentleman has met a hot lady who is very willing to go back to his place,
when they get there he asks if she wouldn't mind getting a bit kinky for him.
"Sure, I'm adventurous" she says, so he aks her to get naked and do a
handstand facing the wall with her legs spread apart
After 10 mins without going near her, he says "Hey babe, that was great!"
"What's so kinky about that?" she asks.
"I've just shit in your handbag." was his satisfied response.

What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
Not everyone's been on the internet!
oOo:

tell some blonde jokes

[quote="Eight Ace":79ec8]A gentleman has met a hot lady who is very willing to go back to his place,
when they get there he asks if she wouldn't mind getting a bit kinky for him.
"Sure, I'm adventurous" she says, so he aks her to get naked and do a
handstand facing the wall with her legs spread apart
After 10 mins without going near her, he says "Hey babe, that was great!"
"What's so kinky about that?" she asks.
"I've just shit in your handbag." was his satisfied response.[/quote:79ec8]


happy:

this lady walks up to a security guard, and asks to see the manager of the store. The guard, annoyed, tells her to go away. She returns, and in a sexy voice asks him again. The guard, now a bit arroused says that the manager is out for lunch. She walks real close to him, starts rubbing her hands all over his neck. She asks the guard to leave a message to the manager. The guard tells he will. Then she puts her fingers in the guards mouth, and he starts licking him. The guard asks "What's the message?" She says "Tell the manager that theres no more toilet paper in the ladies room, and that the sinks are broken."

happy:...

so im fucking a guy in the ass right?
and he touches my balls and i say what are you gay!?!?

Not funny on any levels. Not even on the "look at me im gay" level.

should read: so i'm fucking this guy in the ass, and after he wants to cuddle, what a fag!!...

dude I'm not gay, my boyfriend is

Q: How can you tell if your room mate is gay?...

A: His dick tastes shitty...

Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

funny yet disturbing.

Most clever joke in this thread.

I think a cavemen told that joke originally.

[quote="Mr.Buttocks":9356d]
I think a cavemen told that joke originally.[/quote:9356d]

That caveman was clever.

[quote="Mr.Buttocks":d9e15]George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water; he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that Hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said...."Monica, you're free to go!"[/quote:d9e15]

[img]http://www.csua.berkeley.edu/~eric/images/humor/monical.jpg[/img]

looks nothing like jizz annoy:

On a diplomatic mission, Bush goes to Iraq to negotiate with Saddam. While sitting in Saddam's office, Saddam begins to become angry with and presses a button on his chair. A boxing glove then swoops across the room and hits Bush in the face. They resume talking, but then Saddam gets angry again and presses the button again. Another boxing glove then comes out and hits Bush in the face. Bush becomes mad so Saddam presses the button a third time and his guards come in and drag Bush out of the office.

A few weeks later, Saddam comes to America to negotiate with Bush again. While in Bushes office, Saddam makes Bush angry so Bush then presses a button on his chair. Nothing happens. As the negotion tenses up, Bush presses the button 2 more times but both times, nothing happens.

Saddam then stands up and says "Enough of your trickery, I'm going back to Iraq!"

Bush then says, "What Iraq?"

hahahaha rock:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have
some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a
drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with
a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says,"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........How much
water did you drink?!"

ahahaha rock:

^^ AWESOME!!!!.... bwahahahaha!... +1 for sure....