"Funniest thing you heard today" thread.
 

Post the funniest thing(s) you heard someone else say today. Context is optional.

"I went to a redneck bar last night. I had to pay cover as a penalty for having more than 14 teeth."

LOL

It wasn't really something I heard, but saw. I drove past the place that I usually get my hair cut. I saw this family walk out after getting their hair recently cut. The father walked out in a tight beater and some really short skin tight shorts, pulled a comb out of his pocket and proceeded to comb his mullet. His wife had one of those teased up bangs with the string fake blond femullet. The two young boys had their hair cut normaly, but they had their hair squared off where the sideburn would be and it was like a ghetto bullcut.

The fact that people requested these haircuts at the place I get my haircut bothered me. Still I got a chuckle seeing that people are still trapped in the 80's.

i misread a sign that said 'crap therapy'. sorry.

I found [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=280IPakf0N0&NR=1:cd07f]this[/url:cd07f] kinda funny.

some funny moments during Yes, Dear today

rofl

award for most outstanding dance has been making me rofl for weeks:

[url:f8a25]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1TX8704dPk[/url:f8a25]

FUNKY CHICKEN!

LOL @ celebrity glory hole

"Can I get a new fuckin tape gun please god damn" from bitchy frank at work... I guess you guys wouldnt find that funny but if you knew this guy you'd be lolin to

the other day he was bitchin about how alot of people there speak spanish... he was flippin out on this girl that didnt speak english... "god damn why dont you fuckin people speak english, go get me a new tape gun god damn it"

oOo:

"Washington State police called and said they found your keys and wallet on brokeback mountain"

"I nearly reduced my girlfriend's extended family count by 1 on Saturday night."

"Megadeth, Five Magics...it sounds like he could be singing "Thigh master..."

"Ok, I'm at The Beer Store today...let's play a game. It's called bring your motherfucking ID. If the cashier asks you for your ID, and you don't have it, you cannot be sold alcohol. Don't give the cashier attitude in the case that this happens, they just don't want to lose their job. The cashier is not allowed to just take your word for it, so bring some government issued identification, or just go to fucking Starbucks and use your beer money to buy a small double mocha jizz latte instead."

LOL @ double mocha jizz latte

"Penis"

omg hilariousssss

hol up erbody

pyro wins

I r teh winarZez

"Listen, I'll get around to it when I'm done this. Until then, fuck off. Please...thank you."

So far today, this is it.. biggrin:

"we were sitting around the lunch room asking eachother about their middle names, and one guy told us he had two middle names, so I said but asshole is one word"

not from me, but I thought it was hilarious

"WTF is this real!?"

- dinosaur videos on youtube

"Does anyone have a UBS cord I can use with my camera?"

Yes, he said "UBS", not "USB". rolleyes:

lmao I fucking hate people who call electionic and peripherals by the wrong name.

Me: girls have naked pillow fights all the time. They always end with making up, which leads to, full blown make out sessions
myfriend: and u know this from personal experience?
Me: haha it's another running joke between guys
myfriend: thats disappointing, none of our pillow fights led to full blown make out sessions

"Man, that fucker is so cheap, he wouldn't give you the steam off his piss!"

"I'd hit it with a wet chain and burn the corpse to make sure it didn't regenerate."

it seems i made out with a girl last weekend.

friend : "dude, did you had sex with this girl "
me: " i don't know, was she hot ?"

some kind of inside joke

"I like burning my candle, then pouring the hot wax on my nips as I fingerblast my own asshole."

"God said Fuck you ...and i went to bed"

"The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat."

Me: "Man, I've gone through a ton of tissues over the weekend."
Co-worker: "Why? Downloading porn all weekend?"
Me: "No, head cold. I jack it in tube socks only"
Co-worker: "Me too."
Me: "LAWL!"

The other day my dad and I were trying to do something with my 360 and my dad told me that we had to clear the "cashay."

Then I was like, "Uuuum you mean the CACHE?"
And he was like, "No, the cashay..."
And I was like, "Whatever dude."

I was doing a 15/15 challenge today at work:

Must eat the whole thing in under 15 minutes or you must pay $15. No puking allowed. So if you win, you get a free huge-ass sundae and your picture on the wall.

15/15 challenge =
A sand toy bucket filled with:
4 donuts
5 scoops of ice cream
1 banana
choice of caramel, butter scotch, hot fudge
3 different toppings
whipped cream
5 cherries

So i was challenging my manager to see who could do it quickest. He's gay. In the middle of it he started talking smack talk. He goes to me I'm a fag, you better watch out. You know as well as I do what I can put in this mouth." and then proceeded to put a HUGE scoop of ice cream in his mouth. He beat me in the end. I was pretty much done with 3.5 mins left. But I couldn't finish the last 3 spoon fulls of sprinkles left on the bottom...I couldn't hold it down.

lmao coleman

^ That by a LONG shot. happy:

hahahaha

your manager sounds awesome.

my buddy RE: the dude getting stabbed while jackin it

"Stab wounds? pfft whatev. I gotta blow some dick snot here."

girl: Jim, eat out my pussy please..Im so fucking horny
me: No thanks, I'm gay.
girl: fuk...

Nycks buddy: Nyck get over here an suck my cock a lil' b4 i fuck ur big gay ass.
Nyck: can do chief!
Nycks buddy: oooh yeah rock:

Didnt hear it today, but during the game this weekend;

Four guys in my company were guarding a beachead north of our camp, and was trying to set their hopup units. After a while, theyve emptied all their clips into the ocean out of pure boredom. They then decide to pick up the radio, and this is a rough translation of the message that went out to the whole batallion:

- 400 russians are being deployed on the beachhead! We kinda played up our ammo. Only four pinecones left! Requesting orders, over!



Which is exactly what you wanted to hear when youre standing in a trench waiting for 600 russians to try and eat your soul, with mayo on the side. oOo:

"270 lbs of naked dick flopping drill carrying fury"

Happened at work lady getting a drink

Lady:Is this non-fat milk in my drink?
Me:Yes it should be why?
Lady:Just making sure, I'm lactosentolerant...
Me:uh.....

"Feels like I gave myself a tabasco enema."