Alliedassault - Hangovers

Hangover Definitions

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you
woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.You are
still functioning relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel
as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving Cheeseburger and
a side of fries.

2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The
coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although
you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your
employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some
light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space
cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag
because her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots
you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out
at 2:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed
with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a
litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live , you have a second heartbeat in your
head, and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Vodka
vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. Your teeth
have their own individual sweaters. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but
that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death
seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you
and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look
so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it,
all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently.

5 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you
were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about an hours
sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your
bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around
the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating
walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are
lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of
walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies,
cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet),
randomly continuing to make the walrus noises & spitting. Help
usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream
down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and
he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With
your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died
back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are
convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and
swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the
last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses
you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and
have a shower. Work is not an option.

Sooo anyone had a 5 star lately? spank: