Funny
 

I remember I think...Zoner posted something like this and someone wanted one about hardcore...so...here it is...

Rules for Hardcore

Taken from the letsmakesomenoise.com message board - 16 Nov 03:

001) Be tough at all times.
002) Never cheer after a show... only clap.
003)Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way.
004) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Ex: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire. 005) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
006) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See rule #5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
007) Wear your hoodie in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
008) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
009) Exception to rule #8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
010) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
011) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
012) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Ex: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
013) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
014) Keep it in the do-jo.
015) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
016) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
017) Have your own zine, website, production company, be in a band, or claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Halud.
018) Tell people you work in the music industry.
019) More ankles people!
020) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
021) Refer to bands as old school or new school and then act tough again.
022) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
023) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
024) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
025) Smoking, drinking, and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
026) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself. After all, you do a better job singing than him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
027) Start your own hardcore band.
028) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
029) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
030) If you are shy, start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
031) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
032) Add the letter X before and after important words. Ex:
XhardcorekidX, XmoshfuckX
033) Never say, "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
034) It's merch not merchandise.
035) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
036) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
037) The bigger you stretch your ears out, the more hardcore you are.
038) Your ears should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap, or a penis.
039) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
040) When people ask you if you like a band always say, "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
041) Buy all of that band's merch.
042) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
043) Repeat #41 and #42
044) If you have to wear glasses, make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
045) Don't tell anybody, but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the Well.
046) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
047) Complain that they are playing with Slayer, but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
048) Complain at all costs.
049) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
050) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
051) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
052) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The Mother Fuck" or "Kick That Guy's Ass Move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
053) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
054) Scream about love.
055) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
056) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge, bash the hardcore scene, and then go see The Get Up Kids.
057) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
058) Wear your pins with honor! Shai Halud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat are the purple heart of valour.
059) Velcro shoes are cool.
060) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
061) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim and/or butterfly.
062) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
063) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
064) 100 bands from around the world are to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore subgenre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
065) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
066) Re-issue your demos after every album.
067) When the band starts playing, everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
068) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
069) Complain some more.
070) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
071) If you are from New York, NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact, always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up who ever is looking.
072) If you are from New Jersey, NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact, try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
073) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
074) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
075) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
076) Fuck beer; got breast milk?
077) Bandanas are cool.
078) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
079) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week, you poser.
080) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
081) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
082) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
083) Look up socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
084) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
085) Describe your group of friends as "The Scene."
086) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
087) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with, "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
088) Keep punching.
089) Kick a little, too.
090) Punch.
091) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
092) Pretend you won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
093) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant, but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
094) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records is too trendy.
095) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
096) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
097) Straight bangs mean straightedge
098) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
099) When in doubt, mock everything.
100) Take everything personally.

spooky man, as i was quickly skimming through them this one caught my eye right away

084) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.

not true for me but still funny, quality post rock:

I laughed about 3000 times because...whoever made it was a genious! AHHAA...its so true too...I can name someone I know for almost each and every one of those... biggrin: biggrin: biggrin:

Rules for Black Metal


[img]http://www.entertainment.inuk.com/music/cradlefith_corpse.jpg[/img]


"John Pearson" <mrturquoise.john@btinternet.com> - 06 Nov 03:

1. During interviews, you express your "misanthropy" at the world.
2. You dismiss Anton LaVey ( Church of Satan founder ) as a " Hollywood Satanist ".
3. Your early demos must have no production values whatsoever, you later claim this was done to acheive a "necrotic" sound.
4. You hate the previous two Burzum albums because they are totally electronic.
5. You dismiss Cradle of Filth as "McDonalds Black Metal" because they're signed to sony.
6. You have recorded at least one of your albums in the Edvard Greig Memorial Hall.
7. You use the words "nocturnal" and "winter" at least once in every song.
8. At least one of your promo shots depicts your vocalist holding a Norwegian flag.
9. Your songs aren't satanic, they are based on pagan/viking mythology.
10. You have conspired to burn a church at least once.

david sigmon <kuntry_devyl@yahoo.com> - 03 Oct 03:

1)Find four to five members of the d&d club.(make sure to find one who can play keybaords)
2)Change your name to gorgoth darksoul, or something equally scary and dark.
3)Wear lots of hoaky-looking corpse paint...yaknow, to have a scary image.
4)As a black metal band, black leather is your best friend. You will learn to love it.
5)Design your logo with an unreadable style of writing. It's just cooler that way.
6)Use lots of choir style samples, in all your songs, for theat epic black feel.
7)When in interveiws, express your love for classical music, and scores(even if you don't, cause all black metal bands think they are really intelligent.)
8)Use dark words to describe everyhting(i.e. necro)
9)make sure you are either covered in blood, or in the woods for all photo sessions.
10)Make shirts that have no real connection with the band, only to be offensive.
11)Use lots of fowl language when on stage.
12)write music about how god sucks so much, and satan rules.

These are great rules in my opinion. enjoy --- sloth


MORE cool:


This is for Akuma.

Nice. rock:

101 Rules of Black Metal (even though there is only 99)



The 101 rules of Black Metal

1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity...
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy c**k at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy c**k" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the f**king day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
66. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: >:-(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. s**t, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
79. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
80. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
81. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
82. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
83. Don't make references.
84. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
85. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
86. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
87. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
88. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
89. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
90. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
91. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
92. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
93. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
94. Own cult-as-f**k shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
95. Use the phrase "cult-as-f**k" whenever possible.
96. Attempt to randomly throw the word "f**k" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
97. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
98. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
99. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier! smily: >:-(

[img]http://www.groundforce1.com/forums/images/avatars/69306643341bbef02ea20f.gif[/img]

ahhahahahahahahahahaha, GENIUS!

thats how it is here in NJ/NY. Dave and I know what its like. I have so many hardcore friends, they are just like that.

Hardcore friends?? I'd love to see what you consider "hardcore".
Last guy that thought he was hardcore, got choked out by yours truly!

EDIT: You know, the more i think about it, the more i think i'm missing the whole thing. Damn, i must be getting old...lol.

happy:

I didn't actually read the second one until now.

That guy has no idea what black metal is. The classical music stuff is stupid. That has nothing to do with black metal. "Satanic" black metal is also stupid. Pretty much everything this guy said except for the leather and corpse paint stuff is wrong.

Dumbass. spank:

[img]http://pbskids.org/lions/words/images/hen.gif[/img]
Bawk.

oOo:

lol, i was just gonna crack the same joke...

rock: got that down. i agree. i read that second thing and was like wtf? only black metal band ive heard even swear once was Darkthrone, and i didnt know they said it til i read the lyrics.

[quote="Grim_Reaper":16bf0] rock: got that down. i agree. i read that second thing and was like wtf? only black metal band ive heard even swear once was Darkthrone, and i didnt know they said it til i read the lyrics.[/quote:16bf0]
Who is that in your sig?