Joke Thread
 

Just stfu and post some jokes.

My father had the foulest mouth. I mean, absolutely no shame when he talked to me and my brother. In fact, from the ages of 7-14, I thought my name was Jesus Christ. and my brother thought his name was Damn It.
"Damn It put that down!" "Jesus Christ stop making all that noise!"
So one day I'm out playing in the rain. My dad says "Damn It get in here!"
I said "But dad I'm Jesus Christ!"

Re: Joke Thread
 

HAHAHAH.....................

stfu

forever

Nice, Bill Cosby.... oOo:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering well attached to his crotch, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender sees the steering wheel and says "hey, isn't that thing uncomfortable?" The pirate replies, "ARGH! IT’S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

bada bing.

[quote="Mr_Gl@ss":b0185]Nice, Bill Cosby.... oOo:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering well attached to his crotch, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bar tender sees the steering wheel and says "hey, isn't that thing uncomfortable?" The pirate replies, "ARGH! IT’S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

bada bing.[/quote:b0185]

+1 for the just the stupid funny of the pirates.

[quote="Mr_Gl@ss":805b7]Nice, Bill Cosby.... oOo: [/quote:805b7]
I didnt say I made it up oOo: Plus, that part of the movie always makes me laugh

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

^ lol biggrin:


"Why I Fired My Secretary"

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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked

^^lol biggrin: happy:

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

lollerskates and roflecopters!

What do you call a black man in an airplane cockpit ?

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A PILOT, you fucking racist pigdog!

three guys were stranded on the top of a skyscraper and couldnt find a way to get down. they find a magic bottle on the roof and the genie appears after they rub it. the genie says he will turn them into any animal they want so they can fly away. all they have to do is to jump off the building and yell out the animal they wish to turn into and it will be done. the first guy gets a running start and runs to the ledge and jumps off. 'eagle!' he yells. he turns into a a golden eagle and flys down to the street, where he turns back into his normal self. the second guy takes a running start and jumps off and also turns into an eagle. when he lands, the third guy gets a running start, runs to the ledge, but trips over the edge and falls over. 'ahh shit!' he yells out, then he turns into a fat, steamy pile of shit and hits the pavement.

~Fin

Re: Joke Thread
 

That really wasn't funny at all.

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?





Ill see you next month.