[Doctor Duffy]

Waiting...
I was always waiting for you.
Once in a while you'd come.
Sometimes you'd say you'd come, but you didn't.
Othertimes I never heard from you at all.
I always wanted you to be there.
I always wanted to learn from you.
The only thing I've learned from you is how awkward I am around you.
Every time I see you I'm cold and unforgiving, and I don't even realize it until after the fact.
I wonder if you notice.
Do you notice my anger?
Do you notice I want to knock your fucking teeth out?

I was standing under the table.
I knew things wouldn't be the same without you.
You seemed so concerned and sympathetic.
I didn't need your sympathy, I needed you.
I remember the confusion and fear I was overwhelmed with.
I didn't even know if you were still mine.
I thought we were automatically detached forever by this one event.
I remember how close you were to us physically, but you were never really there.
You were always out, satiating your demons.

I remember when you came back, when you fixed up your life.
I remember being happy again.
I remember spending time with you, you visited a lot.
I remember how attached I got to the people in your new life.
It must have been some grand act to rip even more people away from me
because eventually you lost your way again and those people didn't want anything to do with you.
Inadvertently, I was removed from their lives, too.

I was never really the same again.
Everything was so awkward in my new world.
The streets were not so kind, but you weren't there to help me.
The people here were different, but not kind.
I was so impressionable then.
I would have done anything to fit in.
I guess I had to find a replacement somewhere.
I guess it's a good thing I steered clear of the drug dealers at the last minute.
I came so close to following you down your wretched path.

Do you remember when I learned how to shave?
I guess not, you weren't there.
Maybe you could have taught me.
I remember like it was yesterday.
I remember bleeding all over the sink.
I guess that's what happens when a kid has nobody to teach him.
He fucks up.
I remember how awkward everything was then.
I had to teach myself how to talk to girls.
I had to help myself with my geometry homework.
I had to show myself how to stay out of trouble.

I remember when the sickness hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was so hard to operate.
I was working and going to school saddled with a crippling disease.
I wonder what you were up to then.
Were you hammering a carpet into somebody's floor?
Were you sitting back with some beer, watching the Pats?
I know where I was.
I was hiding in a tool shed in an abandoned baseball field.
I was wearing 4 shirts because it was 10 degrees.
It was so cold it fucking hurt.
Standing out there for hours, waiting for the house to empty so I could go back.
I guess I chose the lesser of two pains.
I could have gone to school and dealt with the disease, but it hurt too much.
I had to go to work and deal with that pain later, I can't live with it all day long.
You will never know what that is like.

I remember giving up entirely.
I gave up everything.
I gave up work, school, all my money.
I wonder where you were then.
I know where I was.

I remember how angry I was with you then.
I could have killed you.
It wouldn't have been too hard for me to physically destroy your scrawny ass.
But then, every two times out of the year I'd see you, it was different.
I wasn't me, I was just a little boy who wanted his daddy back.
I'm still waiting.

I remember trying to fix everything.
I remember decimating the GED test and enrolling in college.
I remember how much help I got.
Not from you.
I wonder where you were then.
I know where I was.
I know where mom was, helping me every step of the way like she always tried to do.
Fuck you, dad.