[Innoxx]

Maybe I'm naturally oversensitive, or maybe someone just slipped me decaf coffee this morning, but Princess Special ED, Esq. is a prime example of the ignorance, naivete, and plain old stupidity that he so adamantly criticizes. Let me begin by saying that the central paradox of Princess ED's epithets, the twist that makes Princess ED's double standards so irresistible to hypersensitive polemics, is that these people truly believe that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. I am aware that many people may object to the severity of my language. But is there no cause for severity? Naturally, I claim that there is, because we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that he has been robbed of all he does not possess. This belief is due to a basic confusion, which can be cleared up simply by stating that Princess ED refuses to come to terms with reality. He prefers instead to live in a fantasy world of rationalization and hallucination. It must be stated quite categorically that it must be pointed out that Princess ED's tactics are pockmarked with improvident fanaticism and other assorted ills. (Read as: Princess ED's mottos have nothing to do with freedom and honor but everything to do with antipluralism.) I believe I have finally figured out what makes people like Princess ED extirpate the very things I certainly cherish. It appears to be a combination of an overactive mind, lack of common sense, assurance of one's own moral propriety, and a total lack of exposure to the real world.

He and I disagree about our civic duties. I think that we must do our utmost to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Special ED as expeditiously as possible. Princess ED, on the other hand, believes that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us. As a parenthetical note, if we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for ourselves, we will first have to contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic. Okay, I admit that our sacred values and traditions mean nothing to Princess ED. But if Princess ED doesn't like it here, then perhaps he should go elsewhere.

Let his chauvinistic sentiments stand as evidence that he proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never reduce human beings to the status of domestic animals. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. People have pointed out to me that under the guise of stimulating debate and illuminating diverse perspectives, Princess ED's equivocations actually dissolve the bonds that join individuals to their natural communities, but I still can't help but think that the only weapons Princess ED has in his intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all he has, and he knows it. Everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that I regret not writing this letter sooner. Well, there's a lot of truth in that cliche. It is as if we were safely on the bank of a raging river, enjoying a picnic with our friends and family, when a bunch of ribald, patronizing wimps came along and threw us into the river. Not only must we must struggle to avoid drowning in the raging torrent of Princess ED-sponsored hooliganism, but we must crawl out of the river before we can force Princess ED into early retirement.

He must think that being two-faced entitles one to demand special treatment that, in many cases, borders on the ridiculous. In particular, given a choice of having him befuddle the public and make sin seem like merely a sophisticated fashion or having my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, I would embrace the pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it a day. The space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which Princess ED has tried to condone illegal activities.

I must point out that his operatives argue that he would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a counter-productive act. These are the same vitriolic shirkers who devise disrespectful scams to get money for nothing. This is no coincidence; Princess ED turns his back on our most heartfelt pleas for mercy. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how trees cause more pollution than automobiles do. That's just not true. I apologize if what I'm saying sounds painfully obvious, painfully self-evident. However, it is so extremely important that I must doubtlessly say it.

Some critics have called Princess ED soporific. A handful insist he's immoral. His satraps, on the other hand, consider him to be one of the great minds of this century.

Should you think I'm saying too much, please note that the first response to this from his chums is perhaps that it is disagreeable to question his assertions. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: Just because he and his cult followers don't like being labelled as "jaundiced leeches" or "combative social outcasts" doesn't mean the shoe doesn't fit. Griping about Princess ED will not make him stop trying to create a climate of intimidation. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to start wars, ruin the environment, invent diseases, and routinely do a hundred other things that kill people. When he first announced that he wanted to deny the obvious, I nearly choked on my own stomach bile. If we don't stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Princess ED-induced disaster right now, then Princess ED's practices will soon start to metastasize until they inculcate reprehensible pranks. He says that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. That's his unvarying story, and it's a lie: an extremely cocky and yellow-bellied lie. Unfortunately, it's a lie that is accepted unquestioningly, uncritically, by Princess ED's surrogates.

Despite total incompetence, Princess ED is often afflicted with an amazing conceit, which causes him to create an untrue and injurious impression of an entire people. As a general rule, his myrmidons are merely liars with charisma. And here, I insist, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in his half-measures. He maintains that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point. Even if this were so, Princess ED would still be foolhardy. But I'll tell you what we need to do about all the craziness Princess ED is mongering. We need to solve the problems that are important to most people.

It is more than a purely historical question to ask, "How did his reign of terror start?" or even the more urgent question, "How might it end?". No, we must ask, "How noxious can he be?" It's an interesting question, and its examination will help us understand how Princess ED's mind works. Let me start by providing evidence that Princess ED's insidious, unctuous jeremiads muster enough force to destabilize the already volatile social fabric that he purportedly aims to save. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to mention a bit about witless, truculent whiners such as Princess ED. I, not being one of the many bad-tempered cads of this world, challenge him to point out any text in this letter that proposes that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. It isn't there. There's neither a hint nor a suggestion of such a thing. If you were to try to tell Princess ED's deputies that this is sufficiently illustrated by the ridicule with which his bons mots are treated by everyone other than obtuse rotters, they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that Princess ED's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it.

For many reasons, too many and too complex to go into here at this time, I must say that Princess ED can fool some of the people all of the time. He can fool all of the people some of the time. But he can't fool all of the people all of the time. I cannot emphasize enough how much I resent his sound bites. So what if he hates me for pointing out that he bases his sophistries on the belief that he has his moral compass in tact? Let him hate me. I consider such hatred a mark of honor, a mark of distinction. It is high time for someone to snap Princess Special ED, Esq.'s disciples out of their trance. Will that someone be you?