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Colonel
Posts: 8,441
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Goatse
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Aboard the Breath Star -
11-29-2004, 05:06 AM
This is a funny ass thing by a friend of mine, soon to be a flash movie. The script is mostly finished, tell me what u think.
Aboard the Breath Star
Characters (so far):
Dan Solo - A smuggler for Java the Hut. He sold an entire cargo on eBay out of sheer stupidity and needs to pay Java back for it.
Duke Skywalker - This kid's parents abandoned him as a kid to live with his aunt and uncle, who also abandoned him into the hands of the local hermit, "Ken Kenobi".
Obi Man Kenobi (pronounced Oh-bee-mahn Ken-noh-bee) - Local hermit also going by the name "Ken Kenobi." He's a hippy who really likes his pot.
C3DO - The English speaking robot.
P2C2 - The beeping robot.
Shoebaka - Dan Solo's wookie pal. He got his name because he occasionally gets the delusion that he is a shoe.
Admiral Gunadai - Worker aboard the Breath Star. He is in charge of making sure things go smoothly. He's bad at his job.
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin - Admiral Gunadai's henchman.
Darth Fader - One of Obi Man Kenobi's old stoner buddies. He started buying from a new dealer called "The Emperor," though, and left his hippy ways. Now, he works for the Emperor as one of his main drug dealers.
The Princess - She has an unpronounceable name that the audience never hears due to noise when she says it. It is said to be the most beautiful name ever. In fact, it is so precious that people just call her "The Princess" simply not to wear out its beauty.
Storm Soldiers - The real Storm Soldiers are elite fighters dressed in white armor, but somebody sold them on eBay, and they were replaced with Frenchmen.
Rebel Army - A group of vigilantes that opposes "the Empire." They all like to get together on Tuesdays to snuff "the force."
Theme song (sung to tune of the Gilligan's Island Theme Song):
Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale,
a tale from Katooine.
So they could get to Ulderan
Some people fled the scene.
They hopped aboard Dan Solo's ship
and jumped to hyperspace,
but there was nothing left to find
at that exploded place. x2
They found what looked like a moon
and they got curious.
They flew too close and got themselves
in quite an awful mess. x2
The Breath Star fired its tractor beam.
The tractor beam had caught:
Dan Solo,
Obi Man too,
C3DO,
and his wife *P2C2 beeping noises*,
Duke Skywalker,
and the wookie named Shoebaka
Here on the Breath Star!
Scene 1: Aboard the Breath Star.
WIDE ANGLE SHOT
An admiral and a lieutenant of the Breath Star meet in one of the many hallways. The lieutenant has a concerned look about him.
ZOOM IN ON ADMIRAL AND LIEUTENANT
Admiral Gunadai: Lieutenant, an uncleared ship has been caught in our tractor beam. Are our Storm Soldiers ready to intercept it?
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: Yeah... about that. We don't have any.
Admiral Gunadai: What?
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: (in a calm demeanor) Seems one of the people in accounting sold our entire stock on eBay.
Admiral Gunadai: Ah crap! I knew we shouldn't have given our accountants that broadband connection! Do we have any replacement troops?
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: All we have is a bunch of Frenchman.
Admiral Gunadai: Dress them up as Storm Soldiers, and maybe Darth Fader won't notice.
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: But sir, the Storm Soldiers are elite fighters! And the Frenchman are, well, French!
CLOSEUP ON ADMIRAL GUNADAI
Admiral Gunadai: Do you have any other ideas, soldier?
WIDE ANGLE
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: No sir.
Admiral Gunadai: Good. Now go ready the Frenchman.
WIPE TO SCENE 2
Scene 2: Aboard the Centennial Falcon
Dan Solo is running across the deck at full speed (the camera situated behind him as he moves). He rushes into the piloting chamber, where Duke Skywalker and P2C2 are, and so is a red light and siren.
Duke Skywalker: What's the flashing thing mean?!
Dan Solo: It means my Pop-tarts are done!
Dan Solo pushes a switch on his toaster, and his Pop-tarts pop out.
Duke Skywalker: Why not just get a normal toaster that pops up automatically when it’s done cooking.
P2C2: *beeping noises*
C3DO: P2C2 makes a good point. The man can't even pronounce "falcon (fal-kon)" correctly, so ordering a competent toaster must be a real challenge!
Dan Solo: I can order a good toaster. (pulls out his blaster and starts petting it) I just hate salesmen too much.
A blue light and higher pitched siren begin blaring.
Dan Solo: (yelling) Shoey! Your microwave popcorn's done.
Shoey: (off screen) *wookie noises*
Dan Solo: What do you mean you aren't cooking anything?
The Centennial Falcon begins to shake inexplicably.
Obi Man: (enters the room, and then speaks in a drugged hippy voice) That's no moon, man!
Dan Solo: Of course it's a moon; what else would it be?!
Obi Man: It's the system, man! Fight the system!
Obi Man walks out of the moon muttering about how the system's going to "screw us over, man!"
Dan Solo: Shoey, hide that guy's weed. He's really starting to scare me.
P2C2: *beeping*
C3DO: What? How do you know we're in a tractor beam?
P2C2: *beeping*
C3DO: The ship told you? P2C2, have you been in master Ken's marijuana again?
Duke Skywalker: He's right! Look!
WIDE ANGLE SHOT OUSTIDE THE SHIP
The Breathstar is firing a large green ray at the Centennial Falcon. The beam is a tractor beam, and is slowly pulling them in.
Scene 3: Inside the Breathstar
Admiral Gunadai and Lt. Dedmann-Wakin are at the control panel awaiting the Centennial Falcon's landing.
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: Remind me again why we're pulling them into the station with a tractor beam.
Admiral Gunadai: It's all very simple, lieutenant. First we pull the ship in, and then we send in Storm Soldiers to take them out.
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: Um, wouldn't be better to just shoot them down? I mean, this whole space station is one big weapon, and the Storm Soldiers currently have the military sense of the French...
Admiral Gunadai: You just love criticizing my ideas, don't you?
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: Very much, sir.
Scene 4: Inside the Centennial Falcon.
Dan Solo: That thing's no moon; it's a space station.
Obi Man: It's the system! They got everything, man!
Duke Skywalker: How can we beat them?
Obi Man: You gotta use the force, man!
Dan Solo: The what?
Obi Man: The force, man! It's this... like... this ultimate energy, man!
Duke Skywalker: You mean the very essence that creates everything around us, and yet obeys our whim?
Obi Man: No, man! I mean these totally awesome pills!
Obi Man opens up a box of pills labeled "The Force" and pops five pills in his mouth.
Dan Solo: (pause) Yeah... okay, we can listen to the drugged guy, or we can do it my way. All in favor of my way, say "Ai!"
Everyone except Obi Man: Ai!
Scene 5: The ramp going up into the ship from outside.
There are two "Storm Soldiers" walking up the ramp. They have their guns aimed, but they are holding them backward. They speak with a French accent.
Storm Soldier 1: Why do we have to do zis thing?
Storm Soldier 2: Because ze real Storm Soldiers were sold on ze eBay.
Storm Soldier 3: Zose lazy Americans! Zey are probably le faking eet!
Dan Solo leaps out from the ship, firing his blasters in both hands.
SLOW MOTION
The bullets leaving the gun, piercing the "Storm Soldiers'" armor. You can hear them, still in slow motion, screaming "Le Ouch!"
END SLOW MOTION
Dan Solo: Wow! That was easy! It's almost like they're French!
Duke Skywalker: They're the System's super soldiers. No way are they French!
Dan Solo: Yeah, whatever. So, we have three Storm Soldier armors. All we need is one for Ken.
Obi Man: (stepping out onto the ramp) Keep your uniform, man! I'm no part of the system! I'll go out like this, man!
Obi Man starts wandering onto the Breath Star. He hobbles as he walks, like a stoned middle school student.
Duke Skywalker: But that's crazy talk, Obi Man! Dan, aren't you going to stop him?
Dan Solo: (pause) Why?
Duke Skywalker: Way back when I was still a baby, my parents abandoned me. I ended up being taken in by my aunt and uncle... but they also abandoned me, into the hands of that man.
Dan Solo: News flash kid, nobody loves you.
Duke Skywalker: He never abandoned me!
Dan Solo: He was probably too stoned too realize you were even there! Fact is kid, life sucks. The only way you can be happy is to go nuts with a gun on everyone around you... but they discourage that these days, (throws Duke one of the Storm Trooper's guns) so take the chances fate throws you.
WIPE TO NEXT SCENE
Scene 6: Prison hall.
Two "Storm Soldiers" are guarding the princess' cell. They are marching back and forth rather drunkenly.
Storm Soldier 4: I am so le drunk!
Storm Soldier 5: Do you want to eat ze snails?
Storm Soldier 4: Oui!
Both of the Storm Soldiers leave. Soon after they leave, Duke Skywalker and Dan Solo come running in with Shoebaka dressed in a Storm Soldier suit that is way too small for him.
Duke Skywalker: Well, we've been having luck.
Dan Solo: I don't know kid. This all seems too easy...
Scene 7: Darth Fader's room. He is sitting on his science fiction-ish looking chair, watching a science fiction-ish looking television. The camera shows only the screen, on which Duke Skywalker and Dan Solo can be seen.
Dan Solo: ... and I get the feeling we're being watched.
CLOSE UP ON DARTH FADERS FIST (HIS FACE IS NOT VISIBLE)
FADE TO NEXT SCENE
Scene 8: The princess' cell.
The camera is situated outside the door. This cell is one that does not use bars, so the princess cannot be seen. Duke Skywalker, Dan Solo, and Shoebaka all walk down the hall, until they come to the cell.
Dan Solo: This is the most secure room on this space station. There has to be something good inside.
Duke Skywalker: How do you know that this is the most secure room on the ship?
Dan Solo: (points to a sign) That sign tipped me off a bit.
The camera follows Dan Solo's finger to a sign shaped as an arrow pointing to the cell and reading "Most Secure Room in Space Station. Keep Out." It then snaps back to Dan Solo.
Dan Solo: Right, Shoey. Time to kick the door down.
The wookie begins charging the door, head first.
Dan Solo: No, Shoey! Use your foot! You aren't a shoe!
Shoebaka: *argumentative wookie noises*
The wookie hits the door with full force, knocking it down. Inside, the princess is laying on her side, watching the wookie as he falls to the floor. Duke Skywalker walks in before Dan Solo, and begins to check her out.
Princess: Not on the first date, hon.
Duke Skywalker: Oh, don't worry. I learned that lesson. The last time I did that it tuned out she was my Mom. Boy was dad angry!
Princess: What?
Dan Solo: (walking in) Hey Duke, what's... (excited) Hey!
Dan Solo moves in close to the Princess, putting his arm around her.
Dan Solo: I think I saw you making out with me in one of my dreams.
Princess: You have nightmare problems too?
Dan Solo: Hey, come on. At least tell me your name.
Princess: Later. First rescue me.
The princess walks out the door.
Dan Solo: Anything you say, your worship.
Scene 9: Hallway of the Breath Star.
Obi Man Kenobi is wandering around in a drugged up stupor. The visage of Darth Fader emerges from a corner, his breathing very strong.
Obi Man Kenobi: Ah, my old stoner buddy! How's it goin', man?
Darth Fader: I have Asthma now.
Obi Man Kenobi: It's because you switched to the Emperor's stuff, man!
Darth Fader: It doesn't matter. The Emperor has better stuff.
Obi Man Kenobi: You're being fooled, man! It's all a trick of the system!
Darth Fader: We'll see, after our duel.
Both stare each other down. After about 10 seconds of just looking mean, they both pull out... Flashlights. The click them on, and make lightsaber-like buzzing noises with their lips as they fight each other. After about 5 seconds of this, Duke Skywalker, Dan Solo, the Princess, and Shoebaka come running through the hallway. Duke stops to watch the battle. Darth Fader swipes his flashlight at Obi Man Kenobi, and makes sounds with his lips like blood gushing out.
Obi Man Kenobi: Oh no! I'm dead, man!
Obi Man Kenobi falls down as if he's dead.
Obi Man Kenobi: Run, man! Run!
Scene 10: Platform to enter the Centennial Falcon.
Dan Solo runs onto the Centennial Falcon first, followed by the Princess, then Shoebaka, and finally Duke Skywalker.
Scene 11: Inside the Centennial Falcon's control room.
Dan Solo: (Entering and sitting down at the controls) We need to take off fast. I heard two of the Storm Soldiers say the tractor beam was down. I swear, they have the military sense of the French.
Scene 12: Hallway aboard the Centennial Falcon.
Obi Man Kenobi enters the ship, and hides in the ventilation duct just before the ship takes off.
Scene 13: Just outside the Breath Star.
The Centennial Flacon flies away from the Breath Star, toward a small blue dot out in space. After getting a distance away from the Breath Star, the Centennial Falcon jumps to hyperspace. Admiral Gunadai and Lt. Dedmann-Wakin are in the room, too.
Scene 14: Aboard the Breath Star.
Darth Fader is looking out a window, where the Centennial Falcon was before jumping to hyperspace.
Darth Fader: (uses his inhaler) Who is responsible for letting our visitors escape?
Admiral Gunadai: It was lieutenant Dedman-Wakin, sir. He sold our Storm Soldiers on eBay.
Lt. Dedmann-Wakin: But I had a competent plan to correct it! Admiral Gunadai said to replace them with Frenchman!
Darth Fader's breathing eerily stops.
Darth Fader: (pause) Frenchman?!
Darth Fader raises his hands, as if to force choke them both. A chocking noise can be heard. Neither Admiral Gunadai nor Lt. Dedmann-Wakin can be seen while this happens.
Darth Fader: You both have failed me for the last time. Don't fail me again.
The camera moves to show that neither officer is really being force choked.
Darth Fader: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go give my secretary the Heimlich. It sounds like she's choking.
Darth Fader leaves the room.
Scene 15: Aboard the Centennial Falcon: Hallway.
Duke Skywalker is on the ground, wincing. Everybody gathers around him.
Dan Solo: What's wrong, kid?
Duke Skywalker: I just heard Obi Man. Am I going insane?
P2C2: *beeping noises*
C3DO: P2C2 says that he recently heard master Kenobi as well.
Obi Man: (off screen) Luke... don't tell people you heard me, man...
Dan Solo: Wait a second.
Dan Solo takes out his blaster and shoots the ventilation. It snaps, causing Obi Man Kenobi to fall out.
Dan Solo: There's why. The guy's been hiding in the ventilation the whole time.
Obi Man: (hiding his mouth with his hands) You can't see me... I'm dead...
Dan Solo: Cut the crap, you old hermit! We can see you!
Obi Man: (moves his hands) That sucks, man. Now I got to share my dealer!
Yoma: (crawls out from beneath Obi Man) A very large hindquarters you have.
Yoma looks out amongst the gathered crowd.
Yoma: Oh, new customers I have! Want to buy the force you do... yes.
The Princess: Actually....
Yoma: (waves his hand, doing a Jedi mind trick) Want to buy the force you do... yes!
Everyone except Yoma and Obi Man: Want to buy the force we do... yes.
Obi Man: Whoa man! You did that while were heading toward a meteor, man!
Scene 16: Outside the Centennial Falcon.
The Centennial Falcon is seen to be on a collision course. It is close to crashing as the next scene starts.
Scene 17: Aboard the Centennial Falcon.
Yoma is staring out the window at the oncoming meteor. The camera is behind Yoma as he speaks, so the audience can see the meteor coming.
Yoma: (sighs) Always happens, this does.
Scene 18: Outside the Centennial Falcon.
The Centennial Falcon explodes, falling into two pieces. One half, with Yoma inside, goes flying to the far away planet of Digoba (not seen on screen). The other goes flying to a nearby green planet.
Scene 19: On the green planet's surface.
The half of the Centennial Falcon crash-lands on the planets surface, where it slides along the ground until crashing into a tree. Then, everybody crawls out from the wreckage.
P2C2: *beeping*
C3DO: P2C2 asks a good question. Where are we?
The Princess: I think we're... yes! This is where the rebel base is!
Dan Solo: And that's a good thing because...
The Princess: I'm a leader in the rebel army. Just tell them you're with me, and I'm sure they'll help you.
Duke Skywalker: But we're in the middle of the forest; how will we find the rebel base?
Dan Solo: Duke, you really gotta read the signs more often.
Dan Solo points, and the camera follows his finger to a sign saying, "Welcome to the Rebel Base!" There is also a large titanium building near the sign. Duke Skywalker and Dan Solo go to the building, while the others still rest next to the half of the ship. They knock on the big titanium door, and one of the rebels answer.
Rebel Soldier 1: (rolls eyes) Oh great... Mormons!
Duke Skywalker: (pause) What? No, we're here to...
Rebel Soldier 1: Look, I'm happy with my religion; just leave me alone!
Duke Skywalker: But if you'll just listen...
Dan Solo takes out his blaster and shoots the rebel soldier.
Dan Solo: That was easier. Let's go.
WIPE TO NEXT SCENE
Scene 20: Inside the rebel base.
A bunch of rebels are gathered around three large tables. The light is dark, but there is a large plasma TV screen at the end of the tables.
Rebel Soldier 2: So I woke up right, and I'm like... dude, I don't have limbs!
Rebel Soldier 3: Dude, you're wasted!
Rebel Soldier 2: Dude.
Rebel Commander: Right. So, you all know why we're here. Today we take down the Empire.
Rebel Soldier 3: Dude, how're we gunna do that? I mean, the got this huge, weapon thing, dude.
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Aboard the Breath Star
Linear Mode
