Check you Horoscope

CoMaToSe · **Check you Horoscope -** 07-18-2005, 03:59 PM

[img]http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/johncheese/title.jpg[/img]
Unsure what 2005 has in store for you? Worried about money? Family?
People finding out that you're gay? Worry no more, fellow spirit of the light!
John Cheese is here to help. Just click your sign and drink of the ancient
knowledge that made Jesus know how to chase all those snakes out of Ireland!

[url:9a4f4]http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/johncheese/zodiac.html[/url:9a4f4]

Taurus: April 20 - May 20
[img]http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/johncheese/taurus.jpg[/img]

Born under the sign of the seventh moon of Squancho Booyahnium, the Taurus are often mistaken for their cousins, the children of the Gargaganos Floptitilus, better known as the Libra. The generally overlooked distinction, though, is the Taurus' extra armpit, located on the side of the neck. Less noticeable, but still a major distinction, is the Taurus' ability to smell mathematical formulas and taste sleep.

It has been said by wise men of old that if the spirit of the Taurus were made of chocolate coins, then there would have been no need to scorch the hat of the chosen wanderer. They are simply that powerful.

Your Future!
Your future is a vast and open sea. A sea filled with turtles of shelled enlightenment and squid of tentacled wisdom. Your teachings will fall from your body like the ripe fruit of the meat tree, to be ingested and digested by the eager youth of your flopping moose. But be careful how you wield your whop hammer. One misplaced word could fry the bacon of ever-flowing chunk knuckle.

Doctor Duffy · 07-18-2005, 04:12 PM

[quote:61c96]One time, I knew this guy who was an Aquarius, and he used to buy us beer all the time 'cause we weren't old enough to buy it ourselves and the guy at the counter was a total douche and he wouldn't sell it to us but the Aquarius did and he only wanted a pack of smokes and a free beer for doing it so he was cool and he used to party with us and get drunk and one time he puked in my mom's sink and we were all like, "DUDE you can't be pukin' in here 'cause my mom'll flip the fuck out you gotta clean that shit up before she gets home" but she came home early and told us that we were all grounded because we weren't allowed to have an Aquarius in the house because it made the moons all fucked up and it turned my brother gay and start eating lots of ham and he never liked guys or ham before.

Don't be buyin' beer for guys who are young because you'll get them in trouble and if you do buy them beer don't puke in their sink because it'll make their relatives gay and they'll get grounded and eat a shitload of ham like crazy people.[/quote:61c96]

ed: beer:

Tystnad · 07-18-2005, 04:21 PM

[quote="That site":b47e9]July 23 - August 22

Leos cannot read. The text in this section is just filler, as nothing I say here will make one ounce of sense to a Leo.

*Note to the person reading this to a Leo: Just start making up random things and pretend to follow these words with your eyes to make it look like you're reading. They'll never know the difference.

When you get down to the "Your Future" part, just start making up some shit about how they'll be making a major purchase soon, and they'll be finding romance in the near future. People always get off on that shit. Just be sure to keep it very general. To fill space, I'll just type some random words that I find funny.

Your Future!
Nipple. Hat. Feet. Monkey. Whop. Blubber. Chunk. Taint. Flop. Corn. Neck. Tard. Goth. Knuckle. Funk. Chink. Electrocution. Beanie Weenie. Ostrich. Crack. Pole. Hose.
[/quote:b47e9]

Kinda fun actually.

TonyMontana · 07-18-2005, 04:23 PM

August 23 - September 22

The original term "Virgo" is Ancient Mongolian for "Dick Whipping." But it's only a coincidence that they do. The term Virgo as we know it wasn't coined until the early 1960's when Doctor Phillip Virgo discovered Earth's second moon, "Virgo" orbiting just behind our known moon, "The Moon."

Not much is known about the Virgo except that they are generally ninjas or Spider Man.

Your Future!
In the case of Spider Man, you have a very good year in store for you. Crime will be down, romance will be up, and you will finally find your financial independence. In the case of ninjas... seriously, dude, stop being a ninja. It was cool in the 1980's, but your job is finished. It's just not cool anymore. Every situation that has ever called for a ninja has been resolved. It's time to relax and reflect on a job well done.

Coleman · 07-18-2005, 04:44 PM

oOo: oOo:

[quote:df8e4]

February 19 - March 20

The one thing you can't call a Pisces is "racist." They know that the word "nigger" is a racist term. They'll be the first to tell you that they have black friends, and none of them are niggers. In fact the only niggers they have ever met in their lives have been white. "That's right," they'll say. "There are white niggers, and occasionally, there are black niggers. That doesn't mean I'm a racist just because I have the balls to say it."

But that black guy from the bar that night? That dude was a full-on fucking nigger.

Pisces are best known for their love of rap music and their clean-shaven heads.
Your Future!

Be sure to wash your sheets often. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting in an accident and getting caught wearing dirty sheets. Don't mind the protestors at your next few meetings. Loud shouting and picketing draws plenty of media attention, and those news cameras are your ticket to spreading the word of your cause. In the long run, it will help you make great strides in the name of purity and cleansing. It will make great strides, or they will all pay dearly.[/quote:df8e4]

CoMaToSe · 07-18-2005, 04:47 PM

^^Arab, probably close to the truth happy: biggrin:

JK

Poseidon · 07-18-2005, 04:53 PM

[quote:39b65]All Gemini are women, which explains this sign's love of cooking and cleaning. When not getting her husband another beer, the average Gemini can often be found planning her next shopping trip or crying.

A good Gemini will speak only when spoken to, and as a result, she is allowed to vote for the man of her choosing in some minor elections, including coroner and the mayor of her city.

Gemini are great to have around when you need a shirt mended or an emergency pie. However, they have been known to occasionally sass and backtalk. Nothing a sharp slap can't correct, though.[/quote:39b65]

I'm male oOo:

Tystnad · 07-18-2005, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coleman

oOo: oOo:

[quote:55b97]

February 19 - March 20

The one thing you can't call a Pisces is "racist." They know that the word "n*****" is a racist term. They'll be the first to tell you that they have black friends, and none of them are n******. In fact the only n****** they have ever met in their lives have been white. "That's right," they'll say. "There are white n******, and occasionally, there are black n******. That doesn't mean I'm a racist just because I have the balls to say it."

But that black guy from the bar that night? That dude was a full-on fucking n*****.

Pisces are best known for their love of rap music and their clean-shaven heads.
Your Future!

Be sure to wash your sheets often. There's nothing more embarrassing than getting in an accident and getting caught wearing dirty sheets. Don't mind the protestors at your next few meetings. Loud shouting and picketing draws plenty of media attention, and those news cameras are your ticket to spreading the word of your cause. In the long run, it will help you make great strides in the name of purity and cleansing. It will make great strides, or they will all pay dearly.

[/quote:55b97]

Sorry, but I had to.

[img]http://teamwf.com/uploads/coleman.jpg[/img]

Coleman · 07-18-2005, 05:10 PM

lmao hake: biggrin:

newt. · 07-18-2005, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poseidon

[quote:8fe08]All Gemini are women, which explains this sign's love of cooking and cleaning. When not getting her husband another beer, the average Gemini can often be found planning her next shopping trip or crying.

A good Gemini will speak only when spoken to, and as a result, she is allowed to vote for the man of her choosing in some minor elections, including coroner and the mayor of her city.

Gemini are great to have around when you need a shirt mended or an emergency pie. However, they have been known to occasionally sass and backtalk. Nothing a sharp slap can't correct, though.

I'm male oOo:[/quote:8fe08]

that is yet to be concluded

duncey · 07-18-2005, 06:54 PM

I just farted and it smells really bad.

Poseidon · 07-18-2005, 06:56 PM

[quote="newt.":dec9b]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poseidon

[quote:dec9b]All Gemini are women, which explains this sign's love of cooking and cleaning. When not getting her husband another beer, the average Gemini can often be found planning her next shopping trip or crying.

A good Gemini will speak only when spoken to, and as a result, she is allowed to vote for the man of her choosing in some minor elections, including coroner and the mayor of her city.

Gemini are great to have around when you need a shirt mended or an emergency pie. However, they have been known to occasionally sass and backtalk. Nothing a sharp slap can't correct, though.

I'm male oOo:[/quote:dec9b]

that is yet to be concluded[/quote:dec9b]

oOo: oOo: oOo:

evenflow · 07-18-2005, 08:55 PM

March 21 - April 19 Aries

I'm not going to call all Aries assholes. But, man, every last one of those guys are complete fucking dicks. The only good thing I've ever seen an Aries do was beat down a guy who stole an old lady's purse. But the only reason he did that was so he could steal it from the mugger and beat the shit out of the old lady with her own medication.

When not molesting children or thinking up new ways to make puppies yelp, you can usually find an Aries at the county jail, doing plea-bargained time for possession of meth.

Aries fun fact! The death threat was invented by an Aries in the year 1217.

Your Future.
You can definitely get away with it. You just have to make sure nobody sees. And if they do see, you have to make sure that they aren't around long enough to tell anyone. Your dick is not small, and by the time you've finished your run of senseless violence, they will all know it. In October, you will show them all. In November, they will all be sorry they ever made fun of you. But start preparing now because romance is right around the corner! And she must pay for her dirty, filthy sins.

Vance · 07-18-2005, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TonyMontana

August 23 - September 22

The original term "Virgo" is Ancient Mongolian for "Dick Whipping." But it's only a coincidence that they do. The term Virgo as we know it wasn't coined until the early 1960's when Doctor Phillip Virgo discovered Earth's second moon, "Virgo" orbiting just behind our known moon, "The Moon."

Not much is known about the Virgo except that they are generally ninjas or Spider Man.

Your Future!
In the case of Spider Man, you have a very good year in store for you. Crime will be down, romance will be up, and you will finally find your financial independence. In the case of ninjas... seriously, dude, stop being a ninja. It was cool in the 1980's, but your job is finished. It's just not cool anymore. Every situation that has ever called for a ninja has been resolved. It's time to relax and reflect on a job well done.

x2 rock: