Things you should know about Chuck Norris

Forte · **Things you should know about Chuck Norris -** 11-12-2005, 11:26 AM

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

*ripped from gamespy counter-strike forums*

geRV · 11-12-2005, 11:27 AM

Looks about the same as the "30 things you should know about vin diesel" list i seen earlier today.

Poseidon · 11-12-2005, 11:39 AM

thats the lamest thing ive read in months.

geRV · 11-12-2005, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poseidon

thats the lamest thing ive read in months.

try this on for size

1) Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2) If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

3) There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

4) When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

5) Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

6) There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

7) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

8) Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

9) Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

10) Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

11) Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

12) Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

13) Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

14) When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

15) Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

16) When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

17) If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

18) Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

19) Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

20) Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

21) It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

22) Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

23) On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

24) When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

25) In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

26) Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

27) Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

28) Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

29) You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

30) During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

hake: oOo:

Forte · 11-12-2005, 11:44 AM

change Vin Deisel to Arkan and you have yourself a list that is true right there.

Poseidon · 11-12-2005, 11:48 AM

I cant believe I actually read that, I want my 3 minutes back,

Now thats the lamest thing i've read in 5 minutes biggrin:

Airborne Butters · 11-12-2005, 11:53 AM

I LOL'd at it hehe.

[DAS REICH] Blitz · 11-12-2005, 11:56 AM

i thought a few were funny

Jotun · 11-12-2005, 12:11 PM

hahahaha

CoMaToSe · 11-12-2005, 12:14 PM

retarded, but amusing

Nyck · 11-12-2005, 12:22 PM

gay as the dude wanting to blow tony

Tripper · 11-12-2005, 01:32 PM

rofl those chuck norris ones were alot better than the vin diesel ones...

KTOG · 11-12-2005, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tripper

rofl those chuck norris ones were alot better than the vin diesel ones...

Nyck · 11-12-2005, 01:57 PM

these two are actually fucking LOL

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

edit..fuck me..lol this is way funnier than vin diseals shit

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

+1

TodzumPapst · 11-12-2005, 03:41 PM

Those were grand.