[redhawk_six]

I've come across a number of hillarious court room exchanges, dumb criminals, and funny or odd 911 calls, so I decided to create this thread to share them with everyone. If you like them, I'll post news ones as I come across them. They are all true, I couldn't make some of these up. This first set is from a book called Disorder in the Court, which contains many funny, odd, and outragious thing that have been said in American court rooms.
[quote:4fa2a]Source: Disorder in the Court by Charles M. Sevilla

> -Defense: Well, our objection, Your Honor, and I want to make this very clear, is that there's a time that the truth has to stop, and that time-
-Judge: Why does it have to stop?
-Defense: Because the trial has started.

> -Judge: Please begin.
-Defense: Thank you, (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have-you still-oh, you don't.
-Judge: That was a great start, Counsel.

> -Defense: Your Honor, the Defense would argue the People haven't proved the prior conviction.
-Prosecutor: Oh shit!
-Defense: That’s a legal term?
-Judge: One used quite often in law school.

> -Prosecutor: Objection, Your Honor, it's irrelevant what's fair in this case.

> -Judge: Counsel, could I interrupt you so we can get those exhibits to the jury and have them looking at them while you're examining him, with the caution that they are to pay attention to the testimony, too?
-Defense: No, they don't even have to pay attention to the testimony.
-Prosecutor: No objection.
-Defense: It's mostly for my benefit.
-Judge: Well, that's good. I wasn't listening either.

> -Judge: Mr. E, you're charged here with driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
-Defendant: I'm guilty as hell.
-Judge: Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell.

> -Prosecutor: Judge, I would object to Counsel's characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.
-Judge: Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney.

> -Prosecutor: Now that he has been convicted, there is even stronger need for him to go ahead and get this sentence done. My concern is, number one, that there are no grounds for appeal and it's just going to be used - as Counsel said as he headed out the door after the jury verdict - it's going to be used to delay the proceedings.
-Defense: I never said that to her… I take strong opposition to the statement as to what I allegedly said because I never said that. I don't know what the DA's been smoking but she ain't remembering very good.
-Prosecutor: Your Honor, I can quote Counsel after we went off the record at the jury trial. He said, "We can jam this on appeal for at least a year." Number one, it's unethical to try to delay things, and number two, there's no grounds for appeal. He's just trying to postpone the inevitable that his client is going to be facing in getting treatment.
-Defense: I still take strong objection and disagree as to what she said and think she has got a hold of some good dope out of the evidence locker.
-Prosecutor: Your Honor, I object to his claiming that I have been committing crimes. I think it is strongly objectionable and unethical and I object to that.
-Defense: I take it back, maybe it was prescription drugs.

> -Defense: Objection. I'm going to object to that word, Molotov cocktail.
-Judge: What is your legal objection, Counsel?
-Defense: It's inflammatory, Your Honor.

> -Defense: (to DA) Don't do that again. You are making faces. Don't move your head in a nonverbal assertive conduct manner.
-Prosecutor: Let the record reflect that the prosecutor has now belted the defense attorney across the chest. (Thereupon, the prosecutor belted Defense Counsel across the chest.)

> -Witness: Well, something like her's (pointing to Counsel) except more - The woman right here in front (pointing to Counsel). Except for more cheap bleached-blond hair.
-Prosecutor: May the record reflect, Your Honor, the witness has identified Defense Counsel as the cheap blonde.

> -Defendant: You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sit downstairs with a bunch of criminals.
-Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.
-Defendant: Yeah, but you don't have to sit down in a holding tank with 'em.
-Judge: Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think of that.
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Let me know if you want me to post more, there are ones that are much better than these.