[Chappy]

Urban Legends? Maybe, maybe not, but funny nonetheless


DARWIN FINALISTS ANNOUNCED

They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards--It's an
Annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are:

1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of! death was "Major trauma."

4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

5.) Employee in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting melee, was virtually untouched by the explosion. The "technician" suspected of causing the blast, had never been thought of by his peers as "all there."

And the Winner:

6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus edging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite shaft driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was attempting to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die. But
because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.

[TonyMontana]

OMFG i couldnt even imagine getting your balls ripped from your body.

lol the 2nd one was funny that would be my runner up

[Eames]

i love these, my friend bought the book when we went to the keys 2 years ago and we read it the entire way there and laughed our asses off for hours.

[Milla]

Originally Posted by Chappy

Urban Legends? Maybe, maybe not, but funny nonetheless


DARWIN FINALISTS ANNOUNCED

3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of! death was "Major trauma."

ROFL i live near fairfax rock: never heard of this though.

[Himmler]

getting your balls ripped from your body...probably one of the most painful things i could think of

[ninty]

Originally Posted by Milla

ROFL i live near fairfax rock: never heard of this though.

measure twice, cut once.

[Eight Ace]

that'll happen

[imported_Grim_Reaper]

lmao that was funny. i cant believe how retarded some people are

[Mr.Buttocks]

[quote="Grim_Reaper":b1a0b]lmao that was funny. i cant believe how retarded some people are[/quote:b1a0b]

imwithstupid: ed:

[Himmler]

how'd that marching band go buttocks?

[Mr.Buttocks]

Originally Posted by Himmler

how'd that marching band go buttocks?

I killed them. All of them. mwah:

[Scorched Earth]

i got the 1st and 2nd darwin awards books and didnt bother gettin the 3rd....but if the person doesnt die they still can give him/her an honorable mention

[Unknown_Sniper]

dude bs. I read half of those on the darwin award site like a year ago.

[Hybrid]

This was from last year.

RUNNER-UP
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

RUNNER-UP
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

RUNNER-UP
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

RUNNER-UP
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

RUNNER-UP
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

RUNNER-UP
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, Mother-Stickers--This is a F***-up! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun.
He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker
later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

RUNNER-UP
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas The whole event was caught on videotape.

RUNNER-UP
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

RUNNER-UP
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

RUNNER-UP
Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it wasthe best laugh he'd ever had.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

[Conscript]

[quote="Scorched Earth":77255]i got the 1st and 2nd darwin awards books and didnt bother gettin the 3rd....but if the person doesnt die they still can give him/her an honorable mention[/quote:77255]

You can win the award if you remove yourself from the gene pool..ala removal of testes or death happy: