[redhawk_six]

I've come across a number of hillarious court room exchanges, dumb criminals, and funny or odd 911 calls, so I decided to create this thread to share them with everyone. If you like them, I'll post news ones as I come across them. They are all true, I couldn't make some of these up. This first set is from a book called Disorder in the Court, which contains many funny, odd, and outragious thing that have been said in American court rooms.
[quote:4fa2a]Source: Disorder in the Court by Charles M. Sevilla

> -Defense: Well, our objection, Your Honor, and I want to make this very clear, is that there's a time that the truth has to stop, and that time-
-Judge: Why does it have to stop?
-Defense: Because the trial has started.

> -Judge: Please begin.
-Defense: Thank you, (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have-you still-oh, you don't.
-Judge: That was a great start, Counsel.

> -Defense: Your Honor, the Defense would argue the People haven't proved the prior conviction.
-Prosecutor: Oh shit!
-Defense: That’s a legal term?
-Judge: One used quite often in law school.

> -Prosecutor: Objection, Your Honor, it's irrelevant what's fair in this case.

> -Judge: Counsel, could I interrupt you so we can get those exhibits to the jury and have them looking at them while you're examining him, with the caution that they are to pay attention to the testimony, too?
-Defense: No, they don't even have to pay attention to the testimony.
-Prosecutor: No objection.
-Defense: It's mostly for my benefit.
-Judge: Well, that's good. I wasn't listening either.

> -Judge: Mr. E, you're charged here with driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
-Defendant: I'm guilty as hell.
-Judge: Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell.

> -Prosecutor: Judge, I would object to Counsel's characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.
-Judge: Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney.

> -Prosecutor: Now that he has been convicted, there is even stronger need for him to go ahead and get this sentence done. My concern is, number one, that there are no grounds for appeal and it's just going to be used - as Counsel said as he headed out the door after the jury verdict - it's going to be used to delay the proceedings.
-Defense: I never said that to her… I take strong opposition to the statement as to what I allegedly said because I never said that. I don't know what the DA's been smoking but she ain't remembering very good.
-Prosecutor: Your Honor, I can quote Counsel after we went off the record at the jury trial. He said, "We can jam this on appeal for at least a year." Number one, it's unethical to try to delay things, and number two, there's no grounds for appeal. He's just trying to postpone the inevitable that his client is going to be facing in getting treatment.
-Defense: I still take strong objection and disagree as to what she said and think she has got a hold of some good dope out of the evidence locker.
-Prosecutor: Your Honor, I object to his claiming that I have been committing crimes. I think it is strongly objectionable and unethical and I object to that.
-Defense: I take it back, maybe it was prescription drugs.

> -Defense: Objection. I'm going to object to that word, Molotov cocktail.
-Judge: What is your legal objection, Counsel?
-Defense: It's inflammatory, Your Honor.

> -Defense: (to DA) Don't do that again. You are making faces. Don't move your head in a nonverbal assertive conduct manner.
-Prosecutor: Let the record reflect that the prosecutor has now belted the defense attorney across the chest. (Thereupon, the prosecutor belted Defense Counsel across the chest.)

> -Witness: Well, something like her's (pointing to Counsel) except more - The woman right here in front (pointing to Counsel). Except for more cheap bleached-blond hair.
-Prosecutor: May the record reflect, Your Honor, the witness has identified Defense Counsel as the cheap blonde.

> -Defendant: You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sit downstairs with a bunch of criminals.
-Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.
-Defendant: Yeah, but you don't have to sit down in a holding tank with 'em.
-Judge: Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think of that.
[/quote:4fa2a]
Let me know if you want me to post more, there are ones that are much better than these.

[Captain Bunny]

Yeah post some more. Theyre quite good. how about some of the 911 calls too.

[SoLiDUS]

Pretty good so far!

biggrin:

[Sergeant_Scrotum]

here are some canadian ones, more funny IMO

>>________________________________________
>>Q: Are you sexually active?
>>A: No, I just lie there.
>>________________________________________
>>Q: What is your date of birth?
>>A: July 15th.
>>Q: What year?
>>A: Every year.
>>________________________________________
>>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>________________________________________
>>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>A: Yes.
>>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>A: I forget.
>>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
>>you've forgotten?
>>_____________________________________
>>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>>A: Forty-five years.
>>_______________________________________
>>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
>>woke up that morning?
>>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>Q: And why did that upset you?
>>A: My name is Susan.
>>________________________________________
>>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
>>or the occult?
>>A: We both do.
>>Q: Voodoo?
>>A: We do.
>>Q: You do?
>>A: Yes, voodoo.
>>_________________________________________
>>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>______________________________________
>>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>__________________________________________
>>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>__________________________________________
>>Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>A: Yes.
>>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>>________________________________________
>>Q: She had three children, right?
>>A: Yes.
>>Q: How many were boys?
>>A: None.
>>Q: Were there any girls?
>>________________________________________
>>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>A: By death.
>>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>________________________________________
>>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>>____________________________________________
>>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>___________________________________________
>>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>___________________________________________
>>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
>>to?
>>A: Oral.
>>___________________________________________
>>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>>autopsy.
>>__________________________________________
>>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>__________________________________________
>>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>>pulse?
>>A: No.
>>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>A: No.
>>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>>A: No.
>>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>>began the autopsy?
>>A: No.
>>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>practicing law somewhere

[Star85]

Haha, the last one was great happy:

[Tabias2002]

those r funny

[The Plague of Death]

LMFAO, those were too damn funny. I was sitting here laughing the whole time, and my wife was just sitting on the couch wondering what was so funny, i guess ill have to let her read em now, lol.

[Captain Bunny]

More! more! we demand more!

[Tripper]

ROTFL! happy:

[Sergeant_Scrotum]

sorry folks thats all i have cry:

[redhawk_six]

Here's a 911 call, I got it from the website Cops Online, see the links page of my website.

[quote:fcd0b]
Butchie.wav
Caller: Yes, this is Shirley Hamel, Butchie's (inaudible), and I can't catch him.
Operator: Pardon me.
Caller: Ronald's dog is lose, Butchie. Ronald Jones' dog is lose.
Operator: Ronald Jones' dog is lose?
Caller: Yeah, he told me to watch Butchie for a while, n' Butchie got away from me.
Operator: Where's Butchie going?
Caller: He's on… He's on… He's on his leash. I live at 549 East 17th Street, would you guys please help me find Butchie, before Ronald beats my butt.
Operator: No… No, we can't, I'm sorry…
Caller: We gotta find Butchie.
Operator: Well we can't find him, where's he at now? 549 what?
Caller: East 17th Street.
Operator: What is your name?
Caller: Shirley Hamel
Operator: We can't help you on something like that Shirley, cause we're the Police Department, we have to handle a burglar, or…
Caller: But Butchie's gone!
Operator: Sorry.
Caller: Gosh, Butchie's gone!
Operator: Well, you'll have to go find Butchie yourself, or get somebody else to help you find Butchie.
Caller: Gosh, okay thank you.
Operator: Okay-doke, bye.
[/quote:fcd0b]

[Bazooka_Joe]

They aren't even funny, just plain DUMB! Those people are morons, and they've gone to school for 8 years to defend the public?!?! sheesh

[redhawk_six]

Here's one from a book called "America's Dumbest Criminals":
[quote:777b1]
With Oregon State Lottery ticket in hand, Alice Krumm stood staring at the winning numbers posted on the cash register. So close... but not quite. The ticket she had just bought was only one digit away from the twenty-dollar winning number. For once in her life, Alice wanted to be a winner instead of a near-miss.

Alice struggled with her greed for a long minute before finally giving in. Creeping around behind the baked beans and canned goods, she altered her lottery ticket with a ballpoint pen to win the twenty dollars, the returned to the counter to collect her ill-gotten prize.

But she should have worked a little harder on her forgery. The clerk spotted it immediately and called the police. The dishonest lottery player was arrested on the spot and charged with fraud.

Then the arresting officer made an interesting discovery. He found the real number under her bad forgery. His revelation made her feel even dumber.

Had she looked further up the chart of winning numbers, she would have discovered that her original ticket number had also been a winner - for five thousand dollars![/quote:777b1]

[redhawk_six]

*cough* bump *cough*

These are from a book called "What's the number for 911 again?"
These are from actual 911 calls:
[quote:b4097]
"Do I have to put money in the parking meters on Broadway?"
"Can you unplug the coffeepot I left on at my house?"
"Where can I get rid of my Christmas tree?"
"My upstairs neighbor's bed is squeaking too damn loud!"
"I took a laxative last night, and now I have diarrhea."
"Yes, I have a woman here who is harassing my front door."
"Is the unemployment office open?"
"I smoked marijuana an hour ago, and now I feel dizzy."
"Yeah, I'd like to report a 911."
"If I lose my memory, how will I know?"
[/quote:b4097]

[snipeymagoo]

lol.....racist jokes are the best though, i love em