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Senior Member
Posts: 1,565
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education"
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01-18-2003, 12:04 PM
[Praying heavenward]
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
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Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
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Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
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Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!
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Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble.
Les: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi.
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!
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Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!
Smithers: Um, well, sir... it happened twenty five years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
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Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
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Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
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Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...
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Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
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Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem!
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Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
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Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
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Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
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Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?
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Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three card monte!
Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!
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Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
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[While operating on Homer.]
Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh.
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[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
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Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
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Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
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Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's Brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
[Sound FX: step step step step step... slam]
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Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
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Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."
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[In the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me!
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing!
Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.
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