How will the French handle the situation in the Ivory Coast?

ninty

[img]http://www.boomspeed.com/jutes/howtosurrender3.jpg[/img]

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

Tripper · 12-02-2003, 07:07 PM

Wow, cool.

That last one was totally uncalled for.

Webb

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninty9

[img]http://www.boomspeed.com/jutes/howtosurrender3.jpg[/img]

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German

Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

Isn't Canada half French ??? stupid:

Sergeant_Scrotum · 12-02-2003, 07:11 PM

your the last person I would expect crappy french jokes from.

ninty · 12-02-2003, 07:11 PM

It's a joke.

And no, French settlers settled in Quebec. Thats why they speak French in Quebec. The rest of Canada was settled by the English.

9mm BeRetTa

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninty9

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

This one is a disgrace to whoever made these bad jokes.

Short Hand · 12-02-2003, 07:50 PM

Canadain french are different from France Frenchies.

Good diagram although the french army pocket knife is better. I gotta find where i stashed that pic.

negative · 12-02-2003, 07:59 PM

how about that french 1st person shooter, where you wave a white flag or something, i saw it posted a while ago...back when every single thread for about 3 weeks were the same french jokes, it got really old

Tool-back · 12-02-2003, 08:03 PM

haha love it

Tripper · 12-02-2003, 09:44 PM

TEST WHETHER YOU ARE AN AMERICAN OR NOT:

Questionnaire:
1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show.
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers...
If you answered:
mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

Unknown_Sniper · 12-02-2003, 09:55 PM

hmm Im a well rounded individual. This was rigged first of all I hapen to have run something over( a squirrel) and I could not stop laughing for like 5 minutes. IT was fucking hilarious.
qestion 8 theres needs to be a family gy or simpsons reply. calmdown:

Vance · 12-02-2003, 10:21 PM

Nice try Trip eek:

Tripper · 12-02-2003, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vance

Nice try Trip eek:

Yeah, yeah - Eat a dick! happy:

Zap. USMC · 12-02-2003, 10:35 PM

hahaha good one ninty9

Pvt.Pinhead · 12-02-2003, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tripper

TEST WHETHER YOU ARE AN AMERICAN OR NOT:

Questionnaire:
1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show.
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers...
If you answered:
mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

I said "C" on all those, did I pass?

No, honestly if I took the test Id have to go with,
1. [C]
2. [B]
3. [C]
4. [C] (I really would go somewere to get it checked out, coukd happen I get unlucky...)
5. [C] (minus the hot dogs and steak, only 1 panckake, and a Vanilla Coke rather Diet Rootbeer.)
6. [B]
7. [C] (My dad bought me a M1 Garand, not authentic, but so I could go hunting, he gets me rounds whenever I ask.)
8. [C] (It'd be funny!)
9. [A]
10. [C] (As long as I dont get busted...)

7 "C"'s and 2"B"'s and 1 "A"

After all I am American.