Thanks to {DBM}DeathDealer for the following advice!
1337 (Leet = Elite) speak is the latest bastardisation of the English language by our friends from across the Atlantic. It was developed by thousands of adolescent, spotty nerds with no life, poor literacy and non-existent personal hygiene in an attempt to make themselves appear clever, witty and socially acceptable amongst their peers who indulged in late night sessions of First-person Perspective Shooter (FPS) type video games such as the Quake series. It was intended as a method of encoding messages is such a way that they would become unreadable to the casual observer. This method of speaking has also been adopted by European gamers but in an ironical way, which, of course is lost on its inventors who, being American, are genetically blind to this form of humour.
There are two basic stages to becoming fluent in 1337 speak. The first is the simple substitution of letters by numbers. The substitution table is shown below:
Letter
Number
A
4
B
8
E
3
I
1 also |
L
1,
O
0
S
5
T
7
Thus, the phrase “Well played, old chap” becomes “W311 p14y3d 01D cH4p”. Note also that there is no word in 1337 speak that ends with the letter ‘S’; it must always be substituted with the letter ‘Z’. Armed with this table you are now taking the first steps to becoming an 1337 h4xx0r.
The second stage is more complex and open to interpretation but is the key to true mastery of 1337. It also allows you to stamp your own personality on your communications with your 1337 friends. This is also quite possibly the nadir of the English language. There are certain words that must at all times be spelt incorrectly. The key one is “you” which must be written as “J00” unless you are using the JeffK* dialect in which case it must be spelt “Yuo”. When speaking 1337, you must at all times be on the look out to cast doubt over a person’s sexuality. The wittiest and most useful of which is “J00 F4g!!”. There is no comeback for this insult. It is the ultimate put-down, the very zenith of repartee, which translated into English means “You are a homosexual”.
Two more things to bear in mind when speaking 1337 speak is punctuation and capitalisation. For capitalisation, every letter must be alternately upper and lower case. Punctuation is optional in 1337 speak and only the very 133test can use it and get away with it. Until you are totally confident in your all-round 133tness it would be wise to avoid any form of punctuation whatever.
The primary goal in 1337 speak is to proclaim your own 133tness, preferably at the expense of everyone else. The best way of doing this is to declare everyone else a homosexual and that you (and/or your clan if you have one) are the greatest exponents of digital violence and carnage the world has ever seen. For example:
- J00 4r3 411 f4Gz !!! yourclanname 0WnZ J00 !!
The key to successful 1337 speak is to think of the wittiest things you can, forget them and insult everyone in a mindless and adolescent manner. Try to imagine you are a 14-year-old illiterate male with no friends or life and a massive porn collection and you will be there. It will take practice but with patience, immaturity and vindictiveness you too will become fluent in 1337 speak.
Bibliography *JeffK – a creation of Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka, web-master of Something Awful. Essential reading for all those wishing to become proficient in 1337 speak. Further information can be found at
http://www.somethingawful.com/jeffk
Another variant peculiar to the UK is Pants-Speak, originated by Jon “Pants” Wade who, through substance and chemical abuse in his late teens and twenties is incapable of correctly spelling the word “the” – it always comes out as “teh”. Most famously, almost single-handedly destroyed two of the most famous North American clans, The GreenBacks and The Dark Disciples through his sheer 133tness, wit and the clans’ total inability to detect a wind-up.
Guy needs a life
Guy needs a life -
11-10-2004, 06:39 PM
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