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Senior Member
Posts: 3,839
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH
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tucker max pwns pitts biggest douchebag -
02-23-2006, 09:38 PM
this has to be the greatest thing to happen to pitt since the superbowl, this kid will powers, BIGGEST TOOL EVER, everyone hates him, he has this retarded website where he posts everyones parties so they get overcrowded with n00bs and the cops bust em...
anyway, if anyone knows tucker max, he is unreal, his stories are hilarious, and if anyone could put fuckin will "the toolbag who dresses up like cloud from ff7 for haloween" powers, its tucker max
[quote="TuckerMax.com":ba07e]
Tuesday, Feb 21st: Pittsburgh, PA
# of books sold: 66
# of books signed: 96
# of alcoholic drinks consumed: 15+
# of pictures taken with fans: 25+
# of girls I hooked up with: 1
Thanks: To Jess the Tattoo Girl and to everyone at Boomerangs.
Highlights of the stop: I will always have something of a soft spot in my heart for this fucking hell hole of a city, mainly because the first girl to ever get my name tattooed on her and the first girl I ever pissed on are from here, but goddamn if last night wasn't a fucking shit show. Let's see:
-At the signing, a girl had me sign a maxi-pad for her to use as a bookmark.
-At the after party, a girl tried, with complete and utter sincerity, to get me to set up a Man Date between SlingBlade and her friend. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She went on and on about how similar they are and how they owuld get along so well...this bitch was so out of her fucking gourd she had me doubting my own sanity for a second.
-The meathead gorilla who looked like the son of WWF legend Dusty Rhodes, who would not stop pestering me about taking shots with him. The bartenders finally threw him out of the bar because he was annoying everyone.
-The two 18 year old kids who decided that they were going to hang out with me all night, and think they should contribute to a conversation about sex, when clearly neither had ever had his pecker touched without first producing a valid credit card. At least they eventually shut up.
-The two guys who invited me to some disgusting whore filled orgy at some podunk ranch in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania. Seriously, they wanted me to come back to Pittsburgh and go to an orgy with them. I am at a loss for words as to why someone would invite me to this.
-Six guys chanting my name as I walked into Boomerangs. It was possibly the most awkward moment of my life.
But all of these people combined don't even show up on the radar of annoyance when compared to a person who will forever be known as "TheDouche." I thought that no one would be able to top the DudeInTheYellowHat from FSU in terms of being annoying and bothersome, but TheDouche has proven me wrong.
I debated whether I would call him out by name and decided against it for two reasons. 1. He runs a website that focuses on Pitts campus that gets very little traffic and I don't want to give him any more, and 2. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being called out by name. I reserve that honor for people who not only deserve it, but who wouldn't want it to happen, and TheDouche would probably take some weird pleasure in having his name on my site--even in a negative light--so he doesn't get it.
It all started two nights ago when he called me for an interview for his site. The interview went fine, whatever, but something about the guy wasn't right; he seemed like one of those guys who talks a lot about what he does without actually doing anything. Whatever, it was just a phone conversation, I didn't think anymore about it.
He showed up at the signing, and as soon as he walked in Jess (the TattooGirl, who goes to Pitt also, just like TheDouche) goes "Oh no, not him." I was signing some books and failed to pick up on this cue quickly enough.
TheDouche "Hey Tucker, I'm TheDouche, the guy who interviewed you for my miniscule website that I won't shut the fuck up about. Let me tell you about how important I am."
Alright, those were not even close to his exact words, but that is pretty much what happened over the 45 minutes; this dude would not stop talking about himself and how much he meant to Pitt and its student body and how much he had helped promote me and blah, blah, blah. Whatever, I am kinda used to this so I just ignored him.
Right before he was about to leave, I decided to give him a book, as a thank you for helping out, even though the only thing I had seen him do was be annoying, but whatever, maybe all he wants is a free book. If it'll shut him up and make him go away, then fine, it's worth the $5. I started to ask him his name (because I had forgotten it), so I could sign it:
Tucker "Hey man, what is your-" and he cut me off. The motherfucker had his phone in his hand and was about to dial someone, and literally held his finger up to me in a "wait a second" gesture.
By no means am I insinuating that I am such a star that I take priority over everything; it was more the way he did it, as if to say "I'm so imporant, you have to wait for me." It was a display of assclownery the likes of which I have never seen before. Mike looked at me in stunned disbelief and said, "What the fuck is going on?" I should have known what was coming next, but not even I could predict what a tool he really was.
After the signing, TattooGirl, KungFu Mike and I went to the bar and started drinking. Not 20 minutes after we got there, TheDouche showed up. I hadn't really paid attention to what he was wearing until he showed up at the bar. He was a caricature of a stereotype; gelled and meticulously tussled hair giving the "I just got out of bed...and spent an hour on my hair" look favored by metrosexuals the world over, carefully trimmed five o'clock shadow, new corduroy jacket with just the right amount of pre-packed "wear" to it, Hush Puppies, and of course, the hallmark of the hipster: The military surplus shoulder bag for his books, complete with slightly frayed straps and hastily sown on unit patches. If I wanted to go to Halloween as a Collegiate Hipster Doofus, I would have just worn his exact outfit.
Tucker "Oh look, Professor Douche is here. Good thing he brought his book bag with him to the bar. Maybe he can get some reading done."
TattooGirl "Please make him leave."
KungFu Mike "I can't handle this dude. If he tries to talk to me I'm going to smash this pint glass on the bar and take my own life with the shards."
As bad as he was at the signing, TheDouche was 10x worse at the bar. TheDouche is the type of guy that no matter what you are talking about, he has a story about it. If you are talking about safari's, he's taken down all sorts of big game. If you are talking about Salvador Dali, he is an expert on surrealist painting. If you are talking about the alcohol content of beer, he knows the precise percentages of every beer on the market.
And he has to insinuate himself into every conversation. Mike asks me what stop we are going to tomorrow? TheDouche yells the answer. TattooGirl asks Mike what he thinks about Slipknot? TheDouche's opinion cannot be contained. I ask the bartender what alcohols go in a Surfer On Acid? TheDouche comes to the rescue (even though he was wrong).
He kept talking about how popular the site was that he runs. When he logged onto it, there were 14 people online. He told me a story about how the most they'd ever had at once was 150, and the server crashed...even though his site is hosted by GoDaddy. OK buddy. He kept telling anyone who would listen about how important he was, but he didn't have one friend at the bar, and no girl with him. Check that, he did bring one girl out, but she was a lesbian and came out to meet TattooGirl. There was an undergrad girl hanging out with us, "Marsha," and she filled me in on the dude,
"I can't stand him. No one on campus can. He thinks he is so cool, but pretty much everyone hates him. He advertises parties on his site, and they pack with dorks and then the cops come and break them up."
But it gets even better. You know that guy, the one who continually makes stupid jokes and doesn't pick up on the fact that no one thinks he's funny? Welcome to TheDouche. He kept calling TattooGirl all these non-sensical nicknames like "Blowjobs" or "SweatFace." These aren't little inside jokes that he was making; she only knows him by reputation and first met her last night, he is just a fucking tool who isn't funny. But the kicker for was this quote by him,
"So Tucker, when are you going to do something crazy? I want to see a Tucker Max moment, so I can write about it. My readers want to know."
He wasn't being funny or ironic, he was being serious. My response might have been the closest I've ever come to giving someone an authentic Michael Corleone stare.
OK fine, some people suck, he must have picked up on the fact that we couldn't stand him and left, right? I mean, who is so stupid that they spend all night with people who ignore them, roll their eyes at everything they say, openly mock them to their face, and call them an idiot in front of other people? You have to realize that it's time to find another place to hang out, right? No, that would require a modicum of social skills to do that. THREE FUCKING TIMES when he went to the bathroom or walked outside to take a call, we moved to a different part of the bar and each time he came back, the same stupid look on his face, sidling up to our conversation. One time, we were sitting at a bar table and some people were standing around because there weren't enough stools. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he pointed to the stool and said "holdsies." I swear to Christ, you can ask anyone who was there. Of course someone took his seat, and when he got back he acted all offended.
TheDouche "Dude, I called holdsies."
Tucker "What are you, fucking 12? Holdsies? Is this a fucking field trip? Are we in a middle school lunch room? Shut the fuck up, you fucking tool and go get another stool. Better yet, sit somewhere else."
Mike and I both kept saying shit like this to him, but he never got it. The only reason I didn't fully call him out hours beforehand was because TattooGirl was all about the lesbian girl he brought out. I didn't want to cock-block her, so I just told him to shut up a few times and ignored him the rest of the time. It worked ok, until the end of the night, when we were ready to leave. There were five of us leaving together; Marsha and I were going to fuck, TattooGirl and TheLesbian were going to fuck, and Mike, who wasn't going to fuck because he thought the girl who kept hitting on him was too fat.
I explicitly told TheDouche that he was not invited back to TattooGirl's place. His eyes were on mine when I said this, but with that stupid look on his face, I wasn't sure if he understood the meaing of the words or not. The five of us left the place, and started walking when I casually looked behind us...and there was TheDouche, not even 20 feet behind us.
Tucker "What the fuck are you doing?"
TheDouche "I live on [some street name]. It's two streets over. I'm not following you."
Tucker "Whatever."
TheDouche "I'm not following you guys."
Two blocks later, we pass the street he said he lived on, and lo and behold, he doesn't turn down that street. There he is, now 10 feet behind us.
Tucker "What are you doing, you just passed your street, you dipshit."
TheDouche. "I am just walking. I can walk anywhere I want."
I lost it. Mike and I turned to face him and Marsha stood behind me, and the other two girls kept going forward, wanting to get away from the inevitable disaster.
Tucker "Why are you following us you fucking dork? You're worse than herpes. Get the fuck out of here. Now."
TheDouche "Whatever, two of those three girls are my friends, I can go with them."
Tucker "They are? OK, Marsha, is he your friend?
Marsha "Uhh...I met him at a party once."
Tucker "Is he your friend?"
Marsha "Uhh....he is an acquaintance, I guess."
Tucker "You fucking loser, this girl won't even claim you as a friend. Go away you fucking leech, before I end you."
TheDouche "Whatever, they are my friends, I can stay if I want."
Tucker "Are you a fucking fag? Do you want to watch me fuck these girls, you fucking fag? Better yet, do you want to fuck me? What the fuck do you want?"
Marsha ran off to the other girls, and TheDouche just kinda stood there, looking like the idiot that he is.
Tucker "They are your friends? You run this campus? You want a Tucker story? OK, I want you to try and stop me from fucking. Go run up there and tell them anything you want, and try to stop me. You want your story you fag, there it is. You can't do it, I am calling you out."
He turned and ran up to them. I literally had to hold Mike back from chasing him down and donkey punching the dude into oblivion.
Tucker "Mike, let him hang himself. It'll be funnier this way, I promise."
Mike is seething as we walk behind the three girls and TheDouche, who is running aournd them and gesticulating wildly. We catch up to them at TattooGirls's place. TheDouche is still talking some sort of dork nonsense, and the girls are kinda looking at him with contempt that was palpable to everyone but Captain Socially Oblivious.
Tucker "Did it work? They convinced not to fuck me?"
TheDouche "Yeah, that's fine, just fuck them Tucker."
Tucler "Do you realize what a fucking tool you are? Do you not know that EVERYONE in the bar was mocking you the whole fucking time you were there?"
TheDouche "Whatever.".
Tucker "You don't believe me? TattooGirl, who was everyone in the bar making fun of?
TattooGirl "Him."
Tucker "Marsha, who is the biggest tool at Pitt?"
Marsha "Him."
Tucker "You are a fucking loser. Go away."
We start walking into TattooGirl's place, when TheDouche starts wailing, "WHATEVER, JUST GO FUCK ALL OF THEM. GO FUCK TUCKER MAX."
Is this guy serious? I stormed over and got right in his face, "Turn around right now and leave before I hit you in the fucking mouth. NOW."
Without saying a word, utter defeat in his eyes, TheDouche turned and walked away. I won't even make a joke like "He went home and kicked his dog," because he's too much of a pussy to even do that.
I keep trying to tell you people: The essence of coolness is simply being comfortable with who you are, whatever that is. TheDouche is the perfect example of someone who is the opposite of what I preach. He is a born and bred toolbag who has tried to socially engineer his way to coolness. He wears the clothes he "thinks" he's supposed to wear and acts the way he thinks "cool" people act instead of just being his natural self, and because of this everything he does comes off as forced, awkward and annoying. Cool is not a look or a style of dress or even a way of acting, it is a state of mind. Anyone who is comfortable with themselves can be cool, it almost doesn't matter what you are like...as long as you aren't like TheDouche.
EDIT#1: The response I have received to the above post has been overwhelming. At least two dozen emails, every single one thanking me for calling TheDouche out. When Marsha told me that "everyone" on campus hated him, I thought that she was being a typical 19 year old and just meant "her and her friends," but apparently she wasn't exagerrating. Here are a few of the emails I've gotten about this:
"Tucker, when I heard that you were coming to Pitt I nearly pissed my pants. Now you can imagine the disgust I felt when I saw the biggest tool on campus sitting two seats to your left. I thought that there could be no way in hell that Tucker-fucking-Max would even be in the same vicinity as TheDouche. However, I nearly wept with joy when I read your 100% accurate description of that fuck nut. I'm embarrased that he even told you about [his site] (the shittiest site EVER) and on behalf of the decent people at Pitt, I'd like to offer my sincerest appologies."
"ok can i please just tell you how much that little article made my day!?! that is everything i wish i could say to the motherfucker and i am so glad someone so far over his head was the one to do it. you have no idea how many people fucking love you for what you did... mainly me. and for that i would bang you in a heart beat!! not to mention if you happen to make another appearance at pitt any time in the fall definately give me a heads up so you can come and drink with all the pitt students who DONT support TheDouche..."
"Hey i'm a pitt student and I read your write-up for here. TheDouche um lemme guess.......[name redacted]. The kid is a stone cold boner. Finally someone put that fruitcake in his place. Nice work."
"First off, thank you for making Pittsburgh a stop on your book signing trip. Thanks for the signed book and the couple for my buddies in law school.
Above all, thank you for calling out [name redacted]. I could not stop laughing at your post. The kid thinks that he is a god on this campus and pisses a lot of people off. I’m in a fraternity here at Pitt and we usually will post parties on his site just because it’s an easy way to advertise for a party. Apparently because we post on this site he feels that he is able to walk into our parties and claim them as his own. On countless occasions I’ve personally had issues with him. Your post could not have described this kid any better."
"sorry to bother you but TheDouche is the biggest tool on Pitt's campus and most if not all know it....THANK YOU for tearing him apart as you did. hopefully it will shut him and his gay ass website that no one uses up."
"SHIT TUCKER! You hit the nail right on the head with your blog on “TheDouche”. He tried to defend himself on his site (which I must admit, I do go on, but only for more material to make fun of him with), saying you were going to exaggerate what happened and make things up. But anyone that has ever even met him knows that what you said is true...
Yes, he thinks he owns the city, this campus, and every living thing here. He is on the biggest imaginary power trip ever. He got in a fight with a friend of mine, put her- this tiny little 5 foot nothing girl- in a head lock and told her that her “social life at Pitt is over, [she is] socially fucked- Blacklisted, and [would] never go to another party at Pitt”. All because she told his ex-girlfriend that her “expensive” final fantasy Halloween costume looked like toilet paper.
How many times has he gotten her (or anyone else) kicked out of a party: 0.
How many times has he tried and gotten “no dude this isn't your party fuck off” in reply: more times than I can count.
Yet every time he fails to get her kicked out, he claims that he decided to “let her stay at the party.” His ignorance to the fact that everyone hates him and is annoyed by his presence baffles me. I could go on, but I wont. I hate the mother fucker, but I so enjoy making fun off him."
"I just wanted to thank you tremendously for calling out TheDouche. I seriously can't even tell you how much pleasure i got from reading your post. EVERY fucking person on campus hates this fag. He thinks he runs parties, everyone likes him, and he can get any girl he wants. Basically, no one has had the balls to call him out and let him know how much of a fucking cunt he really is. No one likes or uses his website or if they do it's usually so they can laugh at how pathetic this faggot is. So thank you 1,000 times."
I am going to stop now, I think you get the point.
EDIT#2: A lot of people who don't go to Pitt have asked me to send them the link to this guys site. I won't do that, but I will point you to the thread on the Tucker Max Message Board about it, it's kinda funny. TheDouche's response is posted there, TattooGirl (Crash on the message board) and KungFu Mike both make an appearance and back up my version of events, TheLesbian comes on and makes an idiot of herself, and a few other funny things happen.
But note: The Tucker Max Message Board is something of a weird place with its own little language and customs and whatnot, so be careful assuming you know what someone is talking about if you don't go there very often. And read the whole thread from where I start it, the link begins at the top of the page where TheDouche's account of the night first shows: [url=http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=7562&page=3:ba07e]Here is the thread.[/url:ba07e][/quote:ba07e]
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tucker max pwns pitts biggest douchebag
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